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brightbluegirlI took the day off working out yesterday. Given how I feel right now compared to yesterday, I think that's a good thing. Since I'm allowed 1 day off a week, I haven't gone off my plan or anything. I was going to take tonight off, when we thought we were going out (which it turns out we aren't), and then I thought I'd take Friday off instead, but I got worried that 4 days hard workout after a week off for not feeling well may not be a good idea.
So I took yesterday off instead. So there. :P
The scale is at a good place - at exactly 10 lbs to go. That's a good thing. w00t!
Unfortunately, I wasted the evening, and when we went to bed, I ended up feeling kinda crappy about that. I did write myself a to-do list, but I didn't do anything. I didn't work on the couch cover I'm making, I didn't work on the invitations, I didn't prepare my tax stuff for viewing by the accountant I found (a friend's father). I didn't do ANYTHING. I had a short nap, I protected my tummy from zerberts by Andrew, I watched some tv, and that's really about it.
I guess I took yesterday off in more ways than one.
I've been really dreading work recently. I haven't wanted to really be here. Partly it's because everything I'd been working on was stalled, so I had to find little pieces of work to do, and then appear busy when I was done that work, had asked for more work, and they couldn't give me more right away (which has already happened more times than I can count). It's hard to remain motivated when there just isn't enough to do.
I've got SOME stuff to do today, but the internet is down. Again.
Yeah, so I want to not work for a while. That's ok. It will pass. Everything comes and goes in cycles like this, I know.
what I'd love to do is go on a vacation. I mean, go somewhere new, and do something! I know, this is another cycle I go through. But dammit, I sure would like to do that. But what I really want to do is be able to do things like that often, and that means having no debt, so I just need to keep buckling down.
*sigh*
I don't WANT to buckle down, though. I want to be a bad girl, and charge two all expenses paid trips to somewhere warm (not that it's all that cold here), and just GO. Fuck the fact that the credit cards are awfully full already and I have worked so hard to pay them down to what they are now, and that if we could just get rid of that debt, we wouldn't have to depend on my job so much. I just want to be bad like that.
But what is fleeting enjoyment compared to life long happiness? Mind you, where does life long happiness come from when you're stuck slogging at a job you don't LOVE and VALUE, and can't see the end of the slogging?
You know, for the first 2 years of my career I had no credit card debt - even though I'd had credit cards through university. 4 years, in fact, if you could the 2 year break I took from school to work, and I even double paid my student loan for those two years, and got it down to a manageable state. It wasn't until I switched to QA from Development (and took the pay cut because I knew I'd be happier there, and I was right, and I don't regret that), AND at the same time took Asslax into my life, that I started having big debt.
And now I'm still paying for it.
I'm feeling defeated.
Please forgive me that I complain so much about this. It isn't that I'm not grateful. I mean, a beautiful friend I have never met in person sent me a digital CAMERA, I mean really. And it's not that I don't know that I have an amazing man, and the ability to eat organic food (but we DO take cuts from other places to pay for that food - I am wearing clothes that are 2, 3, and sometimes 5 years old, and sizes too large, for example), and a beautiful home, and new glasses. I know that we have all these things, and the love of friends, and two of the cutest kitties in the world. I know that I have a library card, and a computer paid for by his parents, and cheap internet. Every month I find the money for chiropractic care, and if we were to go out for a meal today, we'll still eat tomorrow.
It's just that going to work every day is monotonous. That's REALLY what the problem is. If I could do this job whenever I felt like it, and leave when I felt like it, and not go in for 3 days if I felt like it, and work from home whenever I felt like it (which I can do sometimes, for some projects, depending on what part of the project I'm working on), and take impromptu times off, and still get paid for it... or even, if I could come in and say "I don't want to work at this computer today, I want to do my work outside, or do something creative, or do some other task..."
well, I'm REALLY complaining now.
That's one of the reasons why owning my own business is so appealing to me. Not that I would have any more freedom about leaving (in fact, I'd have less), but that if I came in one day and thought I didn't feel like doing one task, I could delegate it, or just put it on hold, and give myself another task to do. Running my own business would be properly busy, with a myriad of tasks.
I could also just sit and read when it was slow, or go for a walk while the help minded the store.
Life would not feel monotonous.
Bleh. I do it to myself. It doesn't make SENSE that my life should feel monotonous, that I should be so discontent, when we do have some things going on.
Perhaps it's just the weekdays that seem that way. After all, the weekdays are relentless. Get up, go to work, go home, eat, work out, eat, go to bed. Repeat, with small variations.
THAT'S the problem. That causes me to have sick days, it causes discontent, it causes all of it.
And then I went and wasted last night.
I long ago figured out that I'm happiest when I'm making my own entertainment, as opposed to when I sit back and wait for the world to entertain me. I just get lazy sometimes, I guess.
By the way, TELUS go BYE BYE on March 9th.
BYE BYE, TELUS. YOU SUCK.
I keep forgetting to mention this:
As I'm walking to the bus stop in the mornings, I often see the cutest little family walking up the hill to (I assume) school. A mother, her son, and her 3 girls.
On rainy days, the 3 little girls all carry ladybug umbrellas. It's so CUTE to see that bunch of ladybugs walking by.
Bleh. Now I'm in a crappy mood. It will pass, I hope...
This weekend we're going to go to IKEA, and see if we can register there or not. I couldn't find anything about registering with them online, which has me worried. If we can, we'll wander around and make decisions about what to put on our list. If not, we'll probably wander around anyway. :P
We're also going to start a wish list with Amazon. Some friends of mine in the States did that when they got married, and I like that. After all, books are good, and people don't actually have to BUY from Amazon.
Hell, as far as I'm concerned, people don't have to buy at all. If they can make it, that's good enough for me.
My mother has me inviting people she knows won't show up, because she "shelled out for their children's weddings and showers, so they should shell out for mine".
Ouch.
SO not who I am or what I'm about.
25 days including today. Just 25 days.
*sigh*
So I took yesterday off instead. So there. :P
The scale is at a good place - at exactly 10 lbs to go. That's a good thing. w00t!
Unfortunately, I wasted the evening, and when we went to bed, I ended up feeling kinda crappy about that. I did write myself a to-do list, but I didn't do anything. I didn't work on the couch cover I'm making, I didn't work on the invitations, I didn't prepare my tax stuff for viewing by the accountant I found (a friend's father). I didn't do ANYTHING. I had a short nap, I protected my tummy from zerberts by Andrew, I watched some tv, and that's really about it.
I guess I took yesterday off in more ways than one.
I've been really dreading work recently. I haven't wanted to really be here. Partly it's because everything I'd been working on was stalled, so I had to find little pieces of work to do, and then appear busy when I was done that work, had asked for more work, and they couldn't give me more right away (which has already happened more times than I can count). It's hard to remain motivated when there just isn't enough to do.
I've got SOME stuff to do today, but the internet is down. Again.
Yeah, so I want to not work for a while. That's ok. It will pass. Everything comes and goes in cycles like this, I know.
what I'd love to do is go on a vacation. I mean, go somewhere new, and do something! I know, this is another cycle I go through. But dammit, I sure would like to do that. But what I really want to do is be able to do things like that often, and that means having no debt, so I just need to keep buckling down.
*sigh*
I don't WANT to buckle down, though. I want to be a bad girl, and charge two all expenses paid trips to somewhere warm (not that it's all that cold here), and just GO. Fuck the fact that the credit cards are awfully full already and I have worked so hard to pay them down to what they are now, and that if we could just get rid of that debt, we wouldn't have to depend on my job so much. I just want to be bad like that.
But what is fleeting enjoyment compared to life long happiness? Mind you, where does life long happiness come from when you're stuck slogging at a job you don't LOVE and VALUE, and can't see the end of the slogging?
You know, for the first 2 years of my career I had no credit card debt - even though I'd had credit cards through university. 4 years, in fact, if you could the 2 year break I took from school to work, and I even double paid my student loan for those two years, and got it down to a manageable state. It wasn't until I switched to QA from Development (and took the pay cut because I knew I'd be happier there, and I was right, and I don't regret that), AND at the same time took Asslax into my life, that I started having big debt.
And now I'm still paying for it.
I'm feeling defeated.
Please forgive me that I complain so much about this. It isn't that I'm not grateful. I mean, a beautiful friend I have never met in person sent me a digital CAMERA, I mean really. And it's not that I don't know that I have an amazing man, and the ability to eat organic food (but we DO take cuts from other places to pay for that food - I am wearing clothes that are 2, 3, and sometimes 5 years old, and sizes too large, for example), and a beautiful home, and new glasses. I know that we have all these things, and the love of friends, and two of the cutest kitties in the world. I know that I have a library card, and a computer paid for by his parents, and cheap internet. Every month I find the money for chiropractic care, and if we were to go out for a meal today, we'll still eat tomorrow.
It's just that going to work every day is monotonous. That's REALLY what the problem is. If I could do this job whenever I felt like it, and leave when I felt like it, and not go in for 3 days if I felt like it, and work from home whenever I felt like it (which I can do sometimes, for some projects, depending on what part of the project I'm working on), and take impromptu times off, and still get paid for it... or even, if I could come in and say "I don't want to work at this computer today, I want to do my work outside, or do something creative, or do some other task..."
well, I'm REALLY complaining now.
That's one of the reasons why owning my own business is so appealing to me. Not that I would have any more freedom about leaving (in fact, I'd have less), but that if I came in one day and thought I didn't feel like doing one task, I could delegate it, or just put it on hold, and give myself another task to do. Running my own business would be properly busy, with a myriad of tasks.
I could also just sit and read when it was slow, or go for a walk while the help minded the store.
Life would not feel monotonous.
Bleh. I do it to myself. It doesn't make SENSE that my life should feel monotonous, that I should be so discontent, when we do have some things going on.
Perhaps it's just the weekdays that seem that way. After all, the weekdays are relentless. Get up, go to work, go home, eat, work out, eat, go to bed. Repeat, with small variations.
THAT'S the problem. That causes me to have sick days, it causes discontent, it causes all of it.
And then I went and wasted last night.
I long ago figured out that I'm happiest when I'm making my own entertainment, as opposed to when I sit back and wait for the world to entertain me. I just get lazy sometimes, I guess.
By the way, TELUS go BYE BYE on March 9th.
BYE BYE, TELUS. YOU SUCK.
I keep forgetting to mention this:
As I'm walking to the bus stop in the mornings, I often see the cutest little family walking up the hill to (I assume) school. A mother, her son, and her 3 girls.
On rainy days, the 3 little girls all carry ladybug umbrellas. It's so CUTE to see that bunch of ladybugs walking by.
Bleh. Now I'm in a crappy mood. It will pass, I hope...
This weekend we're going to go to IKEA, and see if we can register there or not. I couldn't find anything about registering with them online, which has me worried. If we can, we'll wander around and make decisions about what to put on our list. If not, we'll probably wander around anyway. :P
We're also going to start a wish list with Amazon. Some friends of mine in the States did that when they got married, and I like that. After all, books are good, and people don't actually have to BUY from Amazon.
Hell, as far as I'm concerned, people don't have to buy at all. If they can make it, that's good enough for me.
My mother has me inviting people she knows won't show up, because she "shelled out for their children's weddings and showers, so they should shell out for mine".
Ouch.
SO not who I am or what I'm about.
25 days including today. Just 25 days.
*sigh*
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 02:06 pm (UTC)You should take a picture of the ladybug umbrellas. What a fabulous sight!
I feel the same way about monotany. The weekends are full because I want to do all the things I'm too tired or too busy to do during the week.. including just being lazy. What have I done to change the feeling of monotany? Make the things I hate into the things I love. I can't WAIT to get home and ride the bike tonight! I'll get to read my novel for english while I burn away the calories!
For real, it's not even a joke. Retraining our minds is 90% of the battle, really.
We're lucky that we GET to work and we get to make money. We really are lucky.
If you're not careful, I'll start sending you new clothes, too. Buy yourself something that makes you feel special, like a new shirt or a sexy skirt. Don't put it on the credit card, though.. that will not make it better.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-19 02:23 pm (UTC)I do enjoy working out... I have a bit of a weird thing about my upper body lifting - probably because I know that's where I'm weakest (I love the lower body lifting, and the cardio). It's just that it's all the same thing...
You're right, we are very lucky. I'm lucky in all sorts of ways. Some days it's hard to remember! I'll be better tomorrow, I promise. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 02:22 pm (UTC)You should carry your camera with you - I do. It makes me more aware of my surroundings as I'm always looking for something to shoot.
PS - It's ok to be lazy b/c you are a go-go-go person most of the time. It's not ok to be lazy for life! ;)
Re:
Date: 2004-02-19 02:24 pm (UTC)I vow that I will start doing that tomorrow.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 08:30 am (UTC)Call me a money-grubbing bastard if you will, but I am partial to the idea of money as wedding gifts. The reason being that money can be pooled towards things which cannot be bought at a store, such as debt relief, a vacation or a mortgage. The happy couple can also purchase items at individual stores and will not have to decide on where to register.
Of course, the most difficult part as a guest is to decide on how much to give. For the last wedding I went to, I tried to figure out how much I would spend on a gift and also asked some people who were experienced in that area.
When giving money, the other decision is one of cash vs. cheque. I opted for cash as I wasn't 100% sure whether the couple had a joint bank account and under which names it would be. I then personalised my gift by folding it in gold paper on which the couple's names were written in calligraphy, and then placed that in a translucent red envelope so that the names would show through. It was pretty.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-20 10:48 am (UTC)My stepmother comes from a Ukrainian family, and she said the tradition there is to give money, so that the new couple don't start with debt. There's also an eastern canadian tradition of a "wishing well", where a thing is placed at the reception and people throw money into it.
We really wanted to do something like that - not that we're money grubbing bastards either, but just that our priority right now is paying the bills, not pretty things {although I do like pretty things, I admit). Both families had issues with it though, and said we shouldn't force people to give money. Not that we were going to FORCE, but we couldn't figure out a nice way to say "no gifts, just money", so we dropped it.
I've always given money, too.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-20 11:05 am (UTC)It's interesting how many in North America view giving money as cold but think nothing of slogging off to a store to select an item from a pre-defined registry of things which the couple may not even need or want all that much. Yes, pretty things are nice but financial stability is much nicer.