brightbluegirl

Sorry for the pity party.

I think I'm pms'ing but I can't tell. The 28 day challenge has my body acting slightly oddly.

To be fair to myself, as several (very nice people) suggested:

I could be dieting more strictly - if I were dieting unhealthily. I'm eating a vegan, sugar free, refined carb free, healthy healthy diet, at a good caloric amount. Much less would be unhealthy.

I work out a lot. I continue to build my activities over a period of time, and I understand that one of the things I have to work against is my own mind - not just my body, and so sometimes I have to build up to things a little slower. But I'm still building, and I'm a hell of a lot more active than a hell of a lot of people.

The work thing is more difficult. Firstly, there isn't a lot for me to do right now. I work at about 60% of my speed. I often forget, OFTEN, seriously, what amount of work there is, and I work at my preferred, 100% speed, and I chew through something at a fabulous pace, and then I get stuck with nothing to do. When that occurs, the next task I'm given (usually a small task, a make-work thing while they try to find me something), it's given with one of those shakes of the head, and the "you're just so FAST" statement. And I try to slow down on whatever the make-work task is, and then I feel like I'm letting myself down.

Of course, as far as these things go, I could try to cudgel them into giving me more responsibility now, but what good would that do? It would only serve to make them dislike me. I already bug them almost daily for more work. When I have something substantial to work on, I do it in style. I have their assurance that I am being groomed for a lead position, and they haven't said differently yet. I just need to chill about that.

The stuff I want to do at home - the stuff I'm really feeling down on - is the creative stuff. I feel that I waste hours at a time, when I could be sewingpaintingwritinglearningtodrawwhatever. All these things I'd like to accomplish in my life, all that I'm afraid of failing at.

I stop myself completely, because I'm afraid I'll fail. Good way to make sure I never fail, by never trying, huh?

That sucks.

It's this mixture of needing to create perfection, and needing to do things right the first time. Which doesn't make any sense. I did it about losing weight, too, for years. I figured it would take too long to get it right, or that I'd fail, so why try? When I tried, and it started working, I got really angry that I'd wasted so much time not starting earlier.

I also know that this diet, this whole approach to losing weight, takes a lot of my energy. On some days, I have time to do things, but I need to spend time working myself up to the workout I have to do in two hours. I have to pore over cookbooks and find what I want to make next week, so I can order the groceries and have everything I need. I have to think about it and put energy into it and do everything I can to succeed at it. Because I refuse to make myself do this longer than I have to, and I don't want to do it twice.

Andrew and I made a date to work on the couch cover I'm making, for whatever day I decide to take off working out this week. I fell asleep planning how I would finish the couch cover. I'm pretty sure that I can finish it on whichever day I start it. I just need to start it! Then a couple quick cushions, and it'll be done. I have two small cushions I'm going to make, but I want to make 2 larger ones, too - I'll need the cushions for that, I think. That'll be stellar, though.

And I think I'll be taking tonight off. I'm gross and mucussy today. I did my hour of cardio last night, and I sweated and everything, but I didn't feel as easy as usual. I think that's why I've been dragging my butt all week - with luck, taking today off will fix this. I don't want to get sick.