I pity the fool
Mar. 2nd, 2004 11:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlI woke up at 5 am this morning, and couldn't get back to sleep, and I am TIRED. My head aches and I'm grumpy.
I had to come in to the other office today, which is farther away. That's ok. Or at least, it would have been, if the fucking BUS had shown up on time. It just... didn't show. So I had to take the next bus, and I got here 30 minutes later than I planned.
Ah well. I had a book. All is fine.
I think I'm going to go out for lunch though. It's a beautiful day and I'd like an excuse to go outside.
I really need to learn to think before I speak. And before I type. I thought I was getting better at it, but I need to keep my damn mouth SHUT, and my fingers still, for long periods of time, or something.
I can't expect people to be as forgiving of me as they need to be nowadays.
I can be expected, at any time, to do or say some strange, off-the-wall thing that is probably rude, ignorant, irritating, annoying, or otherwise ill-conceived. I will, on occasion, say a word that wasn't even CLOSE to what I wanted to say (once I said "asshole" instead of "at all", and was so flustered I didn't correct myself right away and apologize, leading to the ruin of a friendship - I mean, who would believe that it was a complete error that came out of nowhere?). I have no poker face at all, leading to me making faces at the worst times.
I used to think that all this was ok. I figured, I tell it like I see it, people know I'm passionate, I'm not fake, and there aren't any personal politics around me.
But now, I think I just freak people out and they laugh at me behind my back, or they just stay away or aren't interested. Or something.
And I have my perfect Andrew, and that should count for something, and it does, but all it counts for is that I'd rather hide away from the world, with just him and what work stuff I absolutely must do.
Even my dream of our house and garden is just a way of dreaming of a haven from the world, and of being secluded and safe from other people.
I'm still an extrovert. It's just that I'm good at making people laugh, not at being someone they'd like to know.
Sorry about the pity party.
I had to come in to the other office today, which is farther away. That's ok. Or at least, it would have been, if the fucking BUS had shown up on time. It just... didn't show. So I had to take the next bus, and I got here 30 minutes later than I planned.
Ah well. I had a book. All is fine.
I think I'm going to go out for lunch though. It's a beautiful day and I'd like an excuse to go outside.
I really need to learn to think before I speak. And before I type. I thought I was getting better at it, but I need to keep my damn mouth SHUT, and my fingers still, for long periods of time, or something.
I can't expect people to be as forgiving of me as they need to be nowadays.
I can be expected, at any time, to do or say some strange, off-the-wall thing that is probably rude, ignorant, irritating, annoying, or otherwise ill-conceived. I will, on occasion, say a word that wasn't even CLOSE to what I wanted to say (once I said "asshole" instead of "at all", and was so flustered I didn't correct myself right away and apologize, leading to the ruin of a friendship - I mean, who would believe that it was a complete error that came out of nowhere?). I have no poker face at all, leading to me making faces at the worst times.
I used to think that all this was ok. I figured, I tell it like I see it, people know I'm passionate, I'm not fake, and there aren't any personal politics around me.
But now, I think I just freak people out and they laugh at me behind my back, or they just stay away or aren't interested. Or something.
And I have my perfect Andrew, and that should count for something, and it does, but all it counts for is that I'd rather hide away from the world, with just him and what work stuff I absolutely must do.
Even my dream of our house and garden is just a way of dreaming of a haven from the world, and of being secluded and safe from other people.
I'm still an extrovert. It's just that I'm good at making people laugh, not at being someone they'd like to know.
Sorry about the pity party.
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-02 11:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-02 11:35 am (UTC)It's a long story. Over email, perhaps? Will you email my netsplash address? I don't have your address at this office.
It got exacerbated by the fact that I've done some stupid stuff at work today. I was joking around with a plastic bug and pretended to try to eat it and spit it out, and freaked out my coworkers, and not in a ha-ha way. I also said too much about the issue - only to one person I hang around with from work, but still, TMI is TMI, you know?
no subject
Date: 2004-03-02 11:30 am (UTC)So I can be left completely the fuck alone when I want to be.
We're all a little freaky, some just less obviously than others.