I suck. Move on

[brightbluegirl]

I woke up sad today. Sad and tired.

Everything seems to be crumbling. We're spending money like water. I want to stuff my face with food. All the wrong food. I'm not feeling joy, right now. I'm sad about my job, about having to GO to my job, about my weight, about the money... I'm sad about everything. I don't feel that anything is going right.

We rented a car on the weekend. Just for one day. The cool thing is the folks we rented from said "ah, we're closed on Sundays anyway, so just bring it back by Monday morning", giving us an extra day with the car.

Andrew drove for the whole weekend, practicing his driving skills. We went to Metrotown, where we took the grossly expensive dishes off our registry, and found these super cute dishes on clearance - a set of 4 plates/4 small plates/4 bowls/4 mugs, for only $15!!, so we bought 2 sets of those, and now we can actually have more than 2 people over at once.

Then we stopped at a running shoe store, because Andrew really shouldn't run in his combat boots, and we got him a pair of running shoes. There was a sale on, buy one pair and get a second pair for 50%.

Now, just let me pause for a second.

My running shoes are a high end shoe. New Balance, because we don't buy Nike or Adidas, and quite good running shoes - I needed them at my high weight, to help my knees and etc. They're still in pretty good shape, except I've worn holes in the area my heel bone rubs against (not the sole, the upper part). The holes aren't THAT big, I could probably run in them for a couple of months more...

But Andrew pointed out that long term, this is cheaper, even if I don't use those shoes yet. So we bought them. It came to $200 for those 2 pairs of shoes, and some insoles for Andrew. Ouchie.

So I started feeling bad about money.

We ran a couple of other errands, but I kept making bad food choices, and the day just never really got better for me. Not completely. I was in a funk, and I just couldn't get out of it.

I should have just had a damn piece of chocolate cake and moved on. It would have been better, in the long run.

Dammit.

Anyway, yesterday we really really really wanted to go for a run, but it was raining really hard out. So instead I did 30 minutes cardio and a tough leg workout (I can really feel it today) while we watched the first part of Ghost.

So at least I felt good about working out.

---

We finished the RSVP cards Sunday morning as well, so now all we need to do is get the stamps, really, and send it out. The Bay gives cards you can put in the invitation, cards that say "Registered at the Bay". I'd like to get them, and put them just in the invites fo family, because, well... family is who I'm worried about. They're most likely to buy things, and they're most likely to buy shit. My mother, however, thinks that it's wrong to add the card in, and that if they want to know, they should call her and she'll tell them.

I dunno.

What do you think??

---

Any way, after that, we actually spent a really nice time with a friend of Andrew's who was visiting from Calgary. We went out for lunch at a Sweet Cherubim (a cheap vegan place), and then went back to our place, and had tea and hung out for a while, then went bowling. That was fun. It was 5 pin. Anyone who's been bowling with me knows I suck HARD.

Andrew, however, has never been bowling with me. And he just kept saying how CUTE I was. I think he's biased! Somehow in the second game I won. I dunno how. Complete flukes, is what it was.

So that was actually really fun. We're talking about going there for Easter, since I get Friday and Monday off. Of course, that brings it all back to money for me. You know, that stuff we shouldn't be spending?

Bleh.

---

This is a stupid entry. Oh look, Lisa is upset again. Oh look, Lisa's got a good life but she's not happy. Oh look, Lisa isn't doing anything about her fucking life.

What the fuck ever.

The other night we finished watching Dirty Dancing, and I CRIED AT THE END. I have seen that movie tens of times. Really. And I CRIED AT THE END because they are so earnest and sincere, because it's about love and standing up for yourself and learning from other people, because they love each other but it's bittersweet because they KNOW they won't see each other again...

Yeah.

I'm a real mess right now.

Comments

[malaka.livejournal.com]

me too, a real mess. Drowning fast.

I'd like to say don't worry, but I can't even tell myself that. I'm a mess, too.

As for the registry cards, I've been over that myself. First, when you get an invitation and there is no mention of a registry.. what do you think? "oh shit, now I have to figure out what to get them and I have NO idea what they need or want." Exactly. Put it in the invitation. It's not for you, it's to help them because they already feel obligated to buy you a gift, you aren't obligating them by putting in a registry card.

I have holes in my good running shoes in the same place. I keep looking at them saying.. I need new shoes. Then I say, nah, they're too expensive. Nah, I don't want to break another pair in.. but yeah, I think it's time for new shoes.

Don't mind me, I'll sit here and cry with you.

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

What's going on??? Why are we doing this, what don't we have in our lives, what are we not thinking about, what are we not accepting, what are we not giving up, what is going on in our pretty little heads that we are falling apart like this??

I really need to sit and think about my life and my needs and my desires, and just figure this shit out. This is really big bullshit. I'm doing this, it's me doing this, but I just don't know why.

[cronkey.livejournal.com]

What's going on??? Why are we doing this, what don't we have in our lives, what are we not thinking about, what are we not accepting, what are we not giving up, what is going on in our pretty little heads that we are falling apart like this??

I would imagine that a vast majority (certainly most people I know) wonder this to some degree. If someone could figure out why that is, they would rule this world, although someone probably has and that someone probably already does.

[thetamermaid.livejournal.com]

yeah, yesterday was like that for me. it's like you're in control of just about as many things as you can deal with at once and someone just tosses one more thing on top and you start crying. i was trying to get some work done, took a break, started making dinner and was feeling a little cranky. a friend called needing to talk and i was happy to be able to help but that put dinner off and made me ever so slightly less stable. and then the boy i have a crush on dropped by to say he couldn't hang out cause he had to get some things done.

so, several small things, yes? and at the same time, i was ready to fall apart. i think my face actually fell when he said he had to go right away. and he's gonna think it was a big deal. and it really wasn't, i was just unable to deal with unexpected changes right then. i put it down to changes in weather and blood sugar. but, really, some days i'm just more unstable than others.

regarding registries, i personally lean to the 'let people ask' side of things but wouldn't think anything of it if you put a bay card in. also, if you think people are likely to just buy you things without asking where you're registered, put the cards in.

get better, pretty lady. and take some time out for yourself.

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

yeah, those small things, add them together and they're the straws that break your back. Or at least, your brain (or my brain).

The thing is that I keep feeling like I need time out for myself. Like it's all I've wanted/needed/demanded for months now, and I keep complaining I need more. It's starting to feel like selfishness instead of healthiness!

[bethie8888.livejournal.com]

I'm not Miss Manners, by any means, but I would have put the cards in. People often don't have time or are maybe even a bit nervous about asking and it just seems like it would make things easier.

Hang in there, beautiful. *hugs you*

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

thanks, sweets.

I'm beginning to think that my initial idea is correct. I'll get some of those cards and add them to the invites for extended family, although not for friends or immediate family. At least then I'll be avoiding the problem as much as possible.

[ihlathi.livejournal.com]

You think they don't stay together??? NOoooooo!!

I love that movie, and I always thought they stayed together at the end - I think them not being together makes it just too depressing.

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

I dunno, that'd be nice, if they did stay together, and I always used to think they did, but then when I found out that he's back in a small part in Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, and no mention of her, that made me think that they didn't stay together. That's probably why I cried this time.

But they could have stayed together for years and years, right??

[ihlathi.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I totally missed this Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Is it awful? Because if it's awful the law with sequels is that you're allowed to ignore it.

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen it, but I've heard good things about it, actually. I'm going to reserve judgement. Apparently it's not a true sequel, and not a remake. It's a totally new story, somewhat autobiographical, about the woman who wrote the first movie, and her time in Cuba when she was young. It's apparently just got the same "feel" to it, and the tie-in is that Patrick Swayze comes back as Johnny Castle, but older, as the dance instructor, but not the romantic lead this time.

If it's bad, I'll discount it though. That's a good rule! The endings I make up are lots better most of the time anyway.

[ihlathi.livejournal.com]

Stupid lj - sorry if this comment appears more than once.

Is it new? Come to think of it, I've been seeing ads in the metros for something that looks like Dirty Dancing, but I thought it was some french broadway remake or something. Duh - maybe I should pay closer attention.

But hey, just cause there's no mention of her, that doesn't mean they're not still together. Maybe she's working in the peace thingies that they mentioned in the movie (that was what they mentioned she was doing, right?) She just had to go away for awhile ...

[hukuma.livejournal.com]

I hate the feeling of losing control of your life, the way that it slowly builds and you have to watch yourself make bad choices. I'm not sure what helps — lists, plans, small goals? I think you're better at all these things. Maybe more time, more sleep, a different mood? Hard to say... I hope you feel better; I know you will soon...

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

Thanks, you put it very well. When losing control of your life, it doesn't happen all at once, it builds up slowly and one bad choice becomes 5 and so on. And because you're not in control, the bad choices lead to bad feelings, and the bad feelings lead to more bad choices, and then it snowballs, and is very difficult to get out of unless you stop, take stock, and get back in touch with original thoughts and goals.

I'm already feeling better, this day is going to help, I can tell. I have grand plans for a nap!

A Trend?

[(Anonymous)]

I've been noticing a trend in your malancholy. It seems like you become very hard on yourself, and have a harder time sticking to your diet whenever there's a full moon. And it always seems to happen within 3 or 4 days of the full moon, too.

Recent full moons:
January 7
February 6
March 6

what do you think?

Re: A Trend?

[(Anonymous)]

By the way, that was me -- Shannon.

[dextra.livejournal.com]

-running shoes expense: so long as you use them, it's money well-spent. like a membership at a gym that you actually use.

-registration card: send it, as per other peeps' suggestions/arguments. your friends love you and will send what they can, and real friends won't think poorly of you for including it. besides, it gives us ideas. buying a gift for a couple that has been living together for some time is quite challenging.

-bowling: i've always said, do you want people to think "wow, she's a great bowler"? of COURSE not. bowling is not a skill of which one should be proud. to get good at bowling would mean you spend a lot of time in bowling alleys. not cool. i love having parties at bowling alleys, but i will never be a good bowler.

-stupid entry: no. you need a safe place to vent, to try ideas on and model them for a few friends in the changeroom of life. we're here for you.

oh yeah, and on that subject: a piece of chocolate cake would NOT make you look fat.

smoochies... ;)

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

I'm feeling better about the running shoes expense now that I looked at my old shoes again. The left shoe, the one I kept looking at, has a hole the size of a dime. The right shoe, however, has 3 holes, the smallest the size of a quarter. That can't be good for my feet!

Andrew made me chocolate cake yesterday, and instead of dinner, I had about a third of it. :-o I am so NAUGHTY! It was very yummy, though.

Thanks, I've been feeling really whiny and uncool lately. I'm hoping I can straighten everything out today, but I also don't want to put too much pressure on myself to fix it NOW, if you know what I mean.

And thanks for the smoochies, cuz I like them when they're from you. ;)

So do you think I should put the registry cards in everyone's invites, then? I was thinking of just putting them in family.

[dextra.livejournal.com]

i certainly wouldn't be offended by the concept. heck, if it's the bay, then delivery options might be a little bit easier, too.

alhough, if we choose to get you something that's not on your list, i hope you won't be horribly offended

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

of course not!!

we are also compiling a wish list at Amazon.ca, that we'll let friends know about

But you must know, I don't even expect you guys to send us anything at all. I really don't. A card would be lovely. A hand made one, even better. A picture of the 4 of you would blow me away. I don't ever want to make you feel you must spend money you don't have, or money that should go to something else, to send me a present. Never Ever.