feeling better

[brightbluegirl]

Well, I'm feeling mildly better.

I took the day off work. I realized that my mental health really is unstable right now, and taking the day off is the right thing to do to get myself in a good space.

I am sitting at home, alone, because Andrew volunteers today. I have until 5:30, gloriously, all to myself.

So far I've had a wonderful hot bubble bath.

We went for a run this morning, 60 minutes. Booyah, baybee.

Last night he made chocolate cake. It's already gone.

I don't care.

I had a long nap yesterday, about 3 hours, and woke up shaky and nauseated, but when I didn't put any demands on myself, it calmed down.

So I have a to-do list that I'm going to tackle, just stuff around the house to do and keep my surface brain occupied so I can do the thinking I need to do. Although, some stuff figured itself out yesterday, because I let things flow.

For example - I've always been an introspective, mental type. That's part of why I got overweight - I didn't feel my physical self, I ignored it, I didn't listen to the part of me that said "I'm full!" or the part that said "I want to move", because I had retreated so far into my head.

But I enjoy being in my head. It's comfortable, and interesting.

Lately I've been completely in the physical. Even the creative things I have been doing - sewing, decorating, etc, are all physical. My working out and dietting - all physical. My concern with my appearance at work, physical. Everything has been very physical.

So I've been thrown off balance, completely uncentered, because I haven't been taking time to feel myself, or to spend some time in my head. I've also been off balance for the obvious reason - there's been no balance between the physical and the mental.

I think one of the reasons I've been eating poorly (although the full moon thing is something to keep researching, thanks Shannon!), has been because I've been searching for that rapport with my head that I used to have when I overate. Not that overeating gave me that rapport, but that when I had that rapport, I was an overeater.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else.

Anyway, it's obvious to me that we search out things we're comfortable with, whether or not they're healthy for us. I believe that, knowing what I've just laid out, that I can now walk away from overeating, and walk away from eating things I do not enjoy.

In fact, this morning, I made a tofu scramble with toast for breakfast, and I ate only half of mine. When I didn't need any more, I stopped. I'm not counting calories today, as part of trying to heal, but I am trying to really listen to myself and my needs.

---

Another thing I've been thinking about is work. I'm considering emailing my team leads, and telling them I've been having motivation problems, including stating that I don't think it's their fault, nor their responsibility, but that I'd really like to be able to move past these problems, and do they have any ideas to help me through this? Any extra tasks, work for other clients, or tricks they use. I'm also considering switching around my day, and working out in the mornings, and THEN going in to work, just to keep myself interested in the day, and hopefully to make waking up more fun.

But here's my concern - I know that I'm horrible at work politics. This company has been pretty good about having none, but I'm worried that letting them know that I'm having motivation problems is going to be a career limiting move - that it's going to hurt my work with these people more than help.

I know I just petitioned you all for thoughts on the registry cards (I've decided to put them in the invites to extended family only), but what do you think about this?

Comments

[panaceamatt.livejournal.com]

"Not that overeating gave me that rapport, but that when I had that rapport, I was an overeater.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else."

I could explaing the energetic pysiology in great detail, but will restrain myself due tot eh boredom factor. suffice it to say, eating too much depletes spleen and pancreas, which leads to overthinking/worry (these terms are interchangeable). There is also no real separation between the physical, mental and spiritual planes in the system I am familiar with. The differences are linguistic, and otherwise illusory.
I beg to differ with the assertion that being in the physical is therefor a sign of imbalance. The amount of time people spend in their heads these days is pathological (literally).

Balance is like being in the physical, only everything is clearer, thought only arise when called and are otherwise easily ignored distractions, It becomes extremely easy to be in the moment, aware of your surroundings (and even the thinking processes of others in your environment). The air seems a little more substantial, as though you were using your night vision in the day and can see the thermal fields around people. Your breathing deepens, becomes smooth and slows down (eventually to about 4 breaths a minute, but this is hard to develop consciously)(I can always tell I'm stuck in a thought when I realize I'm holding my breath). Your emotions (but not your feelings)become much like your thoughts-transparent (like feeling you don't have the energy to invest in the reactions you're used to having to habitual emotional triggers). And there are a bunch of weirder manifestations akin to developing siddhis that I won't list here. The laws of karma would also point out how your environment seems to take on the same qualities of eas and change that you have internalised, as though the world were actually a completely different place thatn you always thought.
Of course, all this can be intimidating if you aren't used to it (especially in a culture that favours severe imbalance) and its pretty easy to return to bad habits in order to stop it from happening. But that's no reason to feel bad about yourself when it happens. "the light shines gradually else it would blind the world". Change happens in increments. The point is to keep going.
I think we seek out a lot of things that are very uncomfortable for us because were used to them. I'm glad to hear that you're making headway. I always knew "lisa" was just a secret identity for a superhero.
Love you

[malaka.livejournal.com]

Ok, the motivation thing. I firmly believe that you should never take a problem to management without a suggested resolution. What will motivate you to work? more interesting work? more work, period? Instead of phrasing your request as a problem, perhaps phrase it as a question?

This weekend, on our drive home, we stopped at a fast food place and I was being weak, so I ordered a cheeseburger. We got our food and drove away. I found that they gave me a double cheeseburger. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I looked it for awhile, whined, and Richard said "you don't have to eat the whole thing.." and I laughed because you know what? that never entered my mind. It was disgustingly good, but after I ate half of it, I handed it to him and made him throw it away. I don't know why I can't stop eating. Everything is so good, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm feeling deprived, or something much deeper. My fat is NOT comfortable, why is eating comfortable?

I keep saying I'm not going to eat everything on my plate, and hopefully I'll come to the same resolution you did.. and just stop eating.

I'm feeling a little more in control. Unfortunately, if the scale is mean to me, it makes me want to sabotage myself even more. I think I'm going to stay off of it for at least a few days (which is a big deal for me.)

I'm tired of being obsessed. Let's just relax.

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

About the work motivation thing - yeah, I would never present it to them as something they must fix, I'm definitely going to give them options that they may or may not be able to follow up on. The problem is that there's a definite break in communication between the leads and the team - partially because most of the team would be confused by too much information, and partially because the client encourages that sort of break, but still - the break is there, so I can't give them concretes like "I would be more motivated if I got to work on this area" or anything, but I will definitely be giving them all the options (if I do this) that I can come up with.

[sinndar.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you are feeling better. Mental health days are REQUIRED once in a while. ;)

Sorry, I don't really have an opinion on the registry thing. We didn't do, but I wouldn't be offened if I received one from someone else. I think it's pretty customary now. Personally I would like to buy something for people I KNOW they will like so I find registries helpful.

[phreeduhm.livejournal.com]

what maat said. go-go-lisa-superhero!


p.s.
i feel the registry thing is just fine.

[ihlathi.livejournal.com]

It totally makes sense.

Glad to hear you're feeling better today.