let your worries fade away...
Mar. 25th, 2004 11:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlAs a contractor, I got invited to a dinner function this Friday. They are serving steak, potatos, and for dessert, pastry type things.
Hmmm...
Let's see. I don't eat meat, dairy, or sugar.
Yeah, so, uh... no thanks.
Whatever happened to the days when vegetarian options were offered? I feel like I'm in the dark ages.
Ah, whatever.
Yesterday evening was pleasant. Subdued, and productive, just how I like em. Originally I'd hoped to do some more work on Andrew's jacket, but I realized that our food situation was pretty dismal, so instead I made some apple muffins, and some fruit salad. Making the apple muffins required going to the grocery store, which ended up with me getting more Strawberries... MMMMMMMM Strawberries!
Anyway, yeah.
So I made the muffins, then did a great workout (legs, my favourite, and next time I'll be able to move up on Curls and Extensions, woohoo!), and then made the fruit salad (mango and strawberry only, cut up suuuuuper small).
During all that, Andrew played Warcraft.
And then Andrew made popcorn and we sat at the table and read.
It was really nice. You'd think I'd be resentful of him playing while I peeled and chopped and stirred and etc, but I wasn't. It was nice to get into the zen of cooking, to just zone in and out, to watch the knife go snicker-snack while I listened to his game in the background, and to just feel myself breathe.
So I don't understand why all night I had frustration dreams and anger dreams.
Like the dream where I had a brother and a younger sister, and my mother was an alcoholic, and I was taking 2 university classes, at least one of which was a difficult math course, and I had to take care of my sister, feed her, clothe her, make sure she got to school on time, and to bed on time, and etc, and also dodge my mother and deal with her anger and maliciousness, and also protect my younger sister from that.
And my schoolwork wasn't doing so well - I had 2 assignments due, and I had correctly done everything I could for them, but I was missing the textbook for the math course and so couldn't do the rest of the questions in the assignment.
And it occurred to me that this was too much for me to handle, and I went to an older man and started telling him about it, and told him that I couldn't do it all without help.
So what I want to know is:
Why was the authority figure an older male? Why were my responsibilities and my problems all female? I mean, that sucks!
Plus, where is this all coming from, because I also had a dream that I cannot recall, except that I know I was so angry, so extremely angry and frustrated and ENRAGED that I was yelling at someone at the top of my lungs, screaming at them, having lost complete control, and KNOWING that my face was turning red because I was so angry.
Where is this coming from? I don't feel particularly angry. I mean, if I delve, I can remember past hurts to me from other people, but that doesn't make sense as a trigger, because I won't be able to do anything about those things, and letting bygones be bygones is healthier all around.
I do know I'm irritated at my brother, who's getting all egotistical, and yet who is so afraid of my mother and what she might do, that he let her badmouth me after Christmas, even though I'd been soothing HIS anger at her the entire visit. I am angry that I am more trustworthy and more a pillar of strength, and that I am the only one that stands up to her. I am angry about that. But so angry that I have these dreams? I don't think so, not really. I mean, this is nothing new. I can't change my family, I can only create my own, and that's what Andrew and I are doing, and I can only treat my family the way I would like to be treated, and yet not expect them to treat me that way in return.
In a lot of ways I'm extremely jealous of Andrew's family, the fact that everyone likes to hang out together, that there isn't the overwhelming uncomfortable-ness that happens at all get-togethers for my family. Each time we get together I discover that I'm less and less uncomfortable (barring the over-enthusiastic-ness of his mom) with them, and as of now, I'd say I'm even less uncomfortable with them than I am with my own family.
As unpleasant as that sounds.
But yeah, this is nothing new. Sure, I'd love to have a family relationship like other peoples, but it won't happen until Andrew and I have our own family.
I will protect my children with fervour, and I know at some time that will mean telling my mother that she can not bring her exclusive conservative attitude into my home, that there will be no alcohol in my home, that she is not allowed to tell my children they have a weight problem, or to otherwise chastise them in any way, or to do any number of other things that I believe are detrimental.
It's going to blow up in my face sometime, and I don't want to have to deal with it ever, but I will have to. Right now is not the time. And I'm really not used to dealing with not confronting issues right away. But damn - it's been 30 years, I can wait a little longer.
And it occurred to me yesterday that if they could do political voting like they do American Idol, they could get a LOT of votes, and people might even learn more about the candidates they were voting for...
I also figured out that the reason my right foot hurts a lot on the outside (near the toe) is because my kneecap is pointing outward a bit, which it didn't used to do, and so the whole leg does that. I don't know if it's the hip that started it, or the knee, or some muscles I'm not stretching properly, or WHAT, but that forces that part of the foot into the side of my shoes, causing pain.
I'm worried about this! I want my body to keep me going as long as possible. I'm going to talk to someone about it - probably I'll ask my chiropractor first if he can suggest a physiotherapist or someone to that affect.
Unless anyone knows any good exercises I can try at home first?
Hmmm...
Let's see. I don't eat meat, dairy, or sugar.
Yeah, so, uh... no thanks.
Whatever happened to the days when vegetarian options were offered? I feel like I'm in the dark ages.
Ah, whatever.
Yesterday evening was pleasant. Subdued, and productive, just how I like em. Originally I'd hoped to do some more work on Andrew's jacket, but I realized that our food situation was pretty dismal, so instead I made some apple muffins, and some fruit salad. Making the apple muffins required going to the grocery store, which ended up with me getting more Strawberries... MMMMMMMM Strawberries!
Anyway, yeah.
So I made the muffins, then did a great workout (legs, my favourite, and next time I'll be able to move up on Curls and Extensions, woohoo!), and then made the fruit salad (mango and strawberry only, cut up suuuuuper small).
During all that, Andrew played Warcraft.
And then Andrew made popcorn and we sat at the table and read.
It was really nice. You'd think I'd be resentful of him playing while I peeled and chopped and stirred and etc, but I wasn't. It was nice to get into the zen of cooking, to just zone in and out, to watch the knife go snicker-snack while I listened to his game in the background, and to just feel myself breathe.
So I don't understand why all night I had frustration dreams and anger dreams.
Like the dream where I had a brother and a younger sister, and my mother was an alcoholic, and I was taking 2 university classes, at least one of which was a difficult math course, and I had to take care of my sister, feed her, clothe her, make sure she got to school on time, and to bed on time, and etc, and also dodge my mother and deal with her anger and maliciousness, and also protect my younger sister from that.
And my schoolwork wasn't doing so well - I had 2 assignments due, and I had correctly done everything I could for them, but I was missing the textbook for the math course and so couldn't do the rest of the questions in the assignment.
And it occurred to me that this was too much for me to handle, and I went to an older man and started telling him about it, and told him that I couldn't do it all without help.
So what I want to know is:
Why was the authority figure an older male? Why were my responsibilities and my problems all female? I mean, that sucks!
Plus, where is this all coming from, because I also had a dream that I cannot recall, except that I know I was so angry, so extremely angry and frustrated and ENRAGED that I was yelling at someone at the top of my lungs, screaming at them, having lost complete control, and KNOWING that my face was turning red because I was so angry.
Where is this coming from? I don't feel particularly angry. I mean, if I delve, I can remember past hurts to me from other people, but that doesn't make sense as a trigger, because I won't be able to do anything about those things, and letting bygones be bygones is healthier all around.
I do know I'm irritated at my brother, who's getting all egotistical, and yet who is so afraid of my mother and what she might do, that he let her badmouth me after Christmas, even though I'd been soothing HIS anger at her the entire visit. I am angry that I am more trustworthy and more a pillar of strength, and that I am the only one that stands up to her. I am angry about that. But so angry that I have these dreams? I don't think so, not really. I mean, this is nothing new. I can't change my family, I can only create my own, and that's what Andrew and I are doing, and I can only treat my family the way I would like to be treated, and yet not expect them to treat me that way in return.
In a lot of ways I'm extremely jealous of Andrew's family, the fact that everyone likes to hang out together, that there isn't the overwhelming uncomfortable-ness that happens at all get-togethers for my family. Each time we get together I discover that I'm less and less uncomfortable (barring the over-enthusiastic-ness of his mom) with them, and as of now, I'd say I'm even less uncomfortable with them than I am with my own family.
As unpleasant as that sounds.
But yeah, this is nothing new. Sure, I'd love to have a family relationship like other peoples, but it won't happen until Andrew and I have our own family.
I will protect my children with fervour, and I know at some time that will mean telling my mother that she can not bring her exclusive conservative attitude into my home, that there will be no alcohol in my home, that she is not allowed to tell my children they have a weight problem, or to otherwise chastise them in any way, or to do any number of other things that I believe are detrimental.
It's going to blow up in my face sometime, and I don't want to have to deal with it ever, but I will have to. Right now is not the time. And I'm really not used to dealing with not confronting issues right away. But damn - it's been 30 years, I can wait a little longer.
And it occurred to me yesterday that if they could do political voting like they do American Idol, they could get a LOT of votes, and people might even learn more about the candidates they were voting for...
I also figured out that the reason my right foot hurts a lot on the outside (near the toe) is because my kneecap is pointing outward a bit, which it didn't used to do, and so the whole leg does that. I don't know if it's the hip that started it, or the knee, or some muscles I'm not stretching properly, or WHAT, but that forces that part of the foot into the side of my shoes, causing pain.
I'm worried about this! I want my body to keep me going as long as possible. I'm going to talk to someone about it - probably I'll ask my chiropractor first if he can suggest a physiotherapist or someone to that affect.
Unless anyone knows any good exercises I can try at home first?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-03-25 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-26 08:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-25 12:33 pm (UTC)I don't know what's going with your dreams. It's just a way of releasing anxiety though and can manifest itself it many strange forms. You might be subconciously worried about something else altogether - work or wedding perhaps? You seem pretty in tune with youself. I'm sure things will settle down soon. :)
American Idol
Date: 2004-03-25 09:48 pm (UTC)Re: American Idol
Date: 2004-03-26 08:35 am (UTC)Although, if we could get the majority of informed and educated to be less cynical and actually VOTE, that would be great too.
Re: American Idol
Date: 2004-03-26 09:01 am (UTC)The cynicism isn't all unwarranted. Looking at the Democratic primary, most of my friends were ideologically closest to Kucinich, but supported Dean because he actually might have had a chance of winning. Now everyone's looking for solace in the fact that Kerry is better than Bush.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-26 08:29 am (UTC)The one that might maybe be of help is a front leg lift with your foot turned outward. It works the inside of the quadricep, tightening it, pulling the kneecap in. Maybe it'd help, I don't know.
I hope you speak to someone who'll help you with this, though! ~ Youmna
no subject
Date: 2004-03-26 08:36 am (UTC)Is this done while sort of laying on one's back, propped up on one's arms?
no subject
Date: 2004-03-26 08:43 am (UTC)I hope it helps! ~ Youmna