mild

[brightbluegirl]

Feeling mildly better today.

Certainly, being at work and realizing I don't have the capability to do nearly as much work as I'd thought, is good. (Well, except for the part where I wanted the hours)

I had problems falling asleep last night. Not only was I thinking and rethinking and going over and over and over what happened with Andrew's mom, and what I should have said (which, at 1am, is always more harsh than it should be in real life, but really, the woman said she was bringing a sound system and microphone, and I said "I don't want a sound system and microphone, we both can project, I DONT WANT IT" and she said "I'm bringing it anyway", so then, why the fuck am I there? why doesn't SHE marry him????) I was cold, stupid cold, hurting cold, shivering cold. I put on Andrew's housecoat and put the blankets tight around me, and fell asleep shivering.

I want to get over my frustration with her, and with MY mom, but frankly, every time I turn around, someone is saying "pick your battles" and I'm giving in to one thing or another thing or another thing, and little by little, it's completely moved away from the simple organic beautiful celebration we'd envisioned, into a fucking PRODUCTION to make so and so happy and so and so comfortable, and I just want to walk away from it all. Send out a mass news flash "sorry, fuck you, you fucked it all up and it's not what we wanted, so we're not doing it any more" and just... leave. They don't fucking CARE WHAT I WANT, dammit, and I hate that. I hate that I feel I am showing more caring and compassion for THEIR desires during MY FUCKING CELEBRATION than I feel they are showing for me.

I don't care if "everyone" goes through it, it does not invalidate how I feel about the fact that I am currently going through it, and no-one should HAVE to go through it.

However, I did finally sleep, anyway, and pretty well, too. I woke up at 5:45 because the stupid bear-cat was meowing at the bedroom door, so I had to spray him to make him shut up (he's been meowing earlier and earlier lately), and then I woke up again at 7:36 and drowsed until a little after 8, when he started meowing again and I sprayed him yet again.

I walked to Braid skytrain station today instead of taking the bus. It took 43 minutes, although that includes a detour I took because I forgot which street I was on. I'm hoping that without the detour it would be a 30 minute walk. I'd like to start doing that every day instead of taking the bus. Just 30 minutes to jump start my day will be good.

---

Ah yes, the application just went down. Lovely.

Comments

[fanlain.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[estrojenn.livejournal.com]

you know what though? you dont have to give in. stop taking input. seriously. i just did not allow anyone to have any say at all...and my mother in law had several shit fits, but she showed up and enjoyed OUR day. not hers. we let her throw us a party later and she did that exactly the way she wanted it, but she just wasnt given the latitude to butt in. i mean, if you dont want a sound system at your celebration, dont have it. someone can bring it and you can just say put it over there...we dont want it. you really dont have to do anything you dont want to. and you can just be really matteroffactthatshowitis.

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

wise words...

I have deep seated issues with confronting people. It scares me deeply that they will attack me and somehow hurt me, or leave me. I know where it comes from, and I struggle against it, but it's still there. I also fear that if I speak up too much, they will take away their help, and leave us in the lurch about the food.

Sadly, and I'm just realizing this now as I write, I'm pretty sure his parents wouldn't do that. It was my mother who did that. If she didn't like the way I was acting, she took away whatever thing I was depending on or looking forward to, just like that. And now I think, I believe that every person is like that "I am taking away my love, your happiness, and everything I can get my hands on that you love, because I don't like that you are disagreeing with me".

Man. SUCK. SUCK SUCK SUCK. I don't like dealing with this. I don't like feeling like this, and I don't like having this.

[pfloide.livejournal.com]

I tend to agree here. When you do something for other people to attend, there are points where you have to make some concessions and deal with the fact that not everyone there will have the same ideas you do, and you may have to take that into account in order to successfully share it with them. Letting other people micromanage something whose whole point is its personal significance to you doesn't qualify, since in that case, you've ALSO failed to successfully share your moment with them. They've shared some committee-driven mish-mash with YOU instead.

The trick is to convey that message to them without alienating them - so that instead of confronting them ("the stick"), you tempt them ("the carrot") with a better experience. This is clearly harder with some people, who care more about their preconceptions. One hopes there aren't *too* many people like that whom you really want to have there...

[pheloniusfriar.livejournal.com]

I just want to walk away from it all. Send out a mass news flash "sorry, fuck you, you fucked it all up and it's not what we wanted, so we're not doing it any more" and just... leave.

Then why don't you?

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

many reasons.

-I can say in my head and my journal that it's all their fault, but it's not, it's mine when I make the decisions. My big problem is that I feel restricted, disrespected and pressured - but when I give in to the pressure, *I* give in to the pressure.

-too much money and energy has been invested in this to walk away from it.

-I miss my friends and they will be here and I need them I miss them I need them

-people have already booked flights

-most of it will be fun

[pheloniusfriar.livejournal.com]

If you hadn't guessed, I was playing the "devil's advocate"... sometimes, as well, someone just needs to be confronted by a stark statement to push them into action.

I suspect you are doing the wise thing, but it isn't as satisfying I suspect as telling everyone that's pissing you off "where to do and what to do when they get there" ;-).

One of my favourite definitions:

Stress (n.) -- Caused by the mind overriding the body's basic need to throttle the crap out of some asshole that desperately deserves it.

<evil grin>

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

and my grandmother - the one just diagnosed with cancer - is really looking forward to it.

[pheloniusfriar.livejournal.com]

and my grandmother - the one just diagnosed with cancer - is really looking forward to it

A good enough reason to slog through the hastle with grace...

[bethie8888.livejournal.com]

No one should have to go through it. I agree.

Does spraying the cat help? (looking for a good suggestion since my bear cat is doing the same)

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

It does indeed help. In the short term, it ought to stop him for a little while (30 minutes, an hour if you're lucky), but in the long term, it does teach them to stop altogether.

The problem with my Bear Cat is that he learns for a while that it's bad to do, then after a couple of months he forgets he learned it, and we have to go back to getting up and spraying. But it's so HARD to get out of bed when you're half asleep and all comfy snuggled and warm...