workaholic
Dec. 10th, 2004 11:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlApparently, I'm a workaholic. Or at least, that's what the higher ups have labelled me at work. Ok, I'll take it. They don't need to know the truth. Or maybe, I don't know the truth. Heh. I figure, I work hard, but I take time off when I need it. That seems to be the right way to do it. Or at least, the right way for right now.
Yesterday my mother called me at work, crying, because a cousin of mine had told her off at the hospital, because my mother was trying to take care of my granma (this is the shortened version).
I ended up being full of rage. RAGE. Because my mom is trying really hard, and because... well, yeah. Because some fucking stupid 28 year old nitwit thought it was ok to tell off my mother for a really stupid reason. Not that my mother has not deserved telling off before, but... not for what she DID get told off for, not right now.
I also was tired, and couldn't concentrate, and I was sad. Really sad.
So I ended up leaving work a little after 2, and I went to the mall, and I bought myself a BRAND NEW PAIR OF PANTS!!! They are teh cutest EVAR.
I also picked up a $5 gift for the work christmas party, and got insurance for our car rental over Christmas (it's $17/day through the car rental company, or $10/day through the BC license company... heh), and toys for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zaftigvegan's kids.
And Toys R Us has LITE BRITE!!! I want a lite brite SO BAD. I loved lite brite when I was a kid, loved it loved it loved it. I mean, really really. I want it. My coworker said "what would you do with a lite brite???" and I was like "uh, DUH, play with it!!!"
Tears welled up a couple of times. I was really feeling the loss of my Granma yesterday, the phone call had really done it for me. So the strangest things, the lite brite, small children, everything, seemed to set me off just a little bit, for just a second.
I stopped off at Andrew's work to see him, but I felt exhausted, to the bone sort of UGH I can't stay. So I kissed him and powerwalked home, stopping only to pick up my prescription.
While I walked, I was so full of rage. I kept imagining telling off my cousin, telling off my uncle, and also, telling off my mother for past things, and future things. Not surprising, really, since I was walking quickly, upping my cardio and creating a pseudo-fight response in my body. It's difficult, though, for me to have both these feelings at the same time, both the anger towards my mother and the protectiveness towards her as well. I understand it, but it leads to a small feeling of guilt. Or... something. It's not a problem. I allow the feelings to exist, and know that this is not the time to act on them, and that this is the time to be loving and kind, that I am not attacked at all by her at this time. I also know that she is learning a lot about caring, about kindness, and about how to treat others, and how she treats me, and who knows, after this, she may be a very different person. I am open to the changes that are occuring in our relationship. It's just what is, is all.
The evening passed fairly quickly, though. For a while, I felt as if I wanted so desperately to talk to someone, and to feel comforted. But I didn't really know who to call, and the feeling passed.
I DID do some chores I'd been waiting to do, and worked on some Christmas presents, and Andrew called his folks (once he got home), and tried to make them feel better about our possible trip there. He told them our alternate route ideas, they talked, whatever. His father complained at length. Whatever. I told Andrew, if it looks unsafe, we just won't go. No skin off my nose, that's for sure.
Yesterday my mother called me at work, crying, because a cousin of mine had told her off at the hospital, because my mother was trying to take care of my granma (this is the shortened version).
I ended up being full of rage. RAGE. Because my mom is trying really hard, and because... well, yeah. Because some fucking stupid 28 year old nitwit thought it was ok to tell off my mother for a really stupid reason. Not that my mother has not deserved telling off before, but... not for what she DID get told off for, not right now.
I also was tired, and couldn't concentrate, and I was sad. Really sad.
So I ended up leaving work a little after 2, and I went to the mall, and I bought myself a BRAND NEW PAIR OF PANTS!!! They are teh cutest EVAR.
I also picked up a $5 gift for the work christmas party, and got insurance for our car rental over Christmas (it's $17/day through the car rental company, or $10/day through the BC license company... heh), and toys for
zaftigvegan's kids.And Toys R Us has LITE BRITE!!! I want a lite brite SO BAD. I loved lite brite when I was a kid, loved it loved it loved it. I mean, really really. I want it. My coworker said "what would you do with a lite brite???" and I was like "uh, DUH, play with it!!!"
Tears welled up a couple of times. I was really feeling the loss of my Granma yesterday, the phone call had really done it for me. So the strangest things, the lite brite, small children, everything, seemed to set me off just a little bit, for just a second.
I stopped off at Andrew's work to see him, but I felt exhausted, to the bone sort of UGH I can't stay. So I kissed him and powerwalked home, stopping only to pick up my prescription.
While I walked, I was so full of rage. I kept imagining telling off my cousin, telling off my uncle, and also, telling off my mother for past things, and future things. Not surprising, really, since I was walking quickly, upping my cardio and creating a pseudo-fight response in my body. It's difficult, though, for me to have both these feelings at the same time, both the anger towards my mother and the protectiveness towards her as well. I understand it, but it leads to a small feeling of guilt. Or... something. It's not a problem. I allow the feelings to exist, and know that this is not the time to act on them, and that this is the time to be loving and kind, that I am not attacked at all by her at this time. I also know that she is learning a lot about caring, about kindness, and about how to treat others, and how she treats me, and who knows, after this, she may be a very different person. I am open to the changes that are occuring in our relationship. It's just what is, is all.
The evening passed fairly quickly, though. For a while, I felt as if I wanted so desperately to talk to someone, and to feel comforted. But I didn't really know who to call, and the feeling passed.
I DID do some chores I'd been waiting to do, and worked on some Christmas presents, and Andrew called his folks (once he got home), and tried to make them feel better about our possible trip there. He told them our alternate route ideas, they talked, whatever. His father complained at length. Whatever. I told Andrew, if it looks unsafe, we just won't go. No skin off my nose, that's for sure.
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 11:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 11:47 am (UTC)(((HUG)))
Date: 2004-12-10 11:56 am (UTC)You know this xmas is really odd for me and i know we have diffrent reasons for this "mood" but i was driving home last night, thinking of all the ppl that are alone and then i thought about one of my uncles who just found out last week he has cancer and not alot of time to live, and i was thinking of just ppl who have such hard times at xmas, and that made me sad.
I remember when my mom cared for my granny, all her brothers and sisters were so selfish and she got told off for stupid things too, yet nobody would offer to help her out. I spent alot of time trying to get my mom to leave the house and take a walk and clear her mind. ~sigh~ i know how you feel.
Scot's been working crazy hours and i started to think about how lonely i felt and then i started to get upset at him (when he wasent even home) and then I remembered how TIRED he must be, working SO much.SO i calmed down.
Next time.. come find me online. Barney normally sleeps in my computer room and when something chimes through, and email or IM box, he normally ~woofs~ to let me know. (he's good like that LOL)
no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 01:32 pm (UTC)sorry about all the stress with your family. this same kind of b.s. happens in mine all the time too. it's really hard.
if you don't go to kelowna, you can come have xmas with us! fun! but i hope it works out.