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brightbluegirlToday I'm just tired.
I was trying to cut some parmesan herb bread for breakfast, and I cut my finger. I squealed, so Andrew ran in (butt naked, it was cute) from the bedroom to see what was the matter. It actually bled quite a bit, so he put a bandaid on it. The bandaid has a butterfly on it. :)
My friend Floyd moved to the States at the same time that I did. He's in southern california, working on his PHd. He's been sending these INCREDIBLE long emails about his thoughts on the state of the US, and whatnot. They're so involved, knowledgeable and intelligent, that at first I felt really stupid that I don't write like that, or even THINK like that.
Shortly thereafter I reminded myself that I AM intelligent (I have a 160 IQ), but that I have always been (and will continue to be) ruled by my emotions. I'm intuitive by nature. That's why I want to be a therapist. Floyd is working on his PHd. He's extremely intelligent, and he LIKES doing that sort of analysis and writing it down.
It takes all kinds. It takes ALL KINDS. A lot of times, Floyd has no idea of what's going on inside people. He has problems with social interaction, and social interaction is NOT intuitive for him. Does he feel bad about that? Probably not, because I'm the one ruled by my emotions, not him.
So I'm just going to have to chill about that.
Andrew and I spoke at length last night about my depression/low esteem and what it's based on:
In short, that I don't trust myself to know what's best, or right, or wrong, or worst.
I worry that when I think I am smart, sexy, pretty, creative, talented, and intuitive about people, or that I'm a good dancer, a great artist, and a good friend, that I am being egotistical.
My critic says "Who am I to be ALL those things? What is it about me that lets me have ALL these things, when there are so many stupid talentless ugly unhappy people in this world? When the majority of people, if they have any talents, tend to have one or two, they aren't well rounded?" And then my critic says "It's just your ego. You pathetic woman, you've talked yourself up, and it annoys people, they don't like your ego, and they laugh that you think those things of yourself, because you don't have those talents."
What do you say to your inner critic, when your inner critic tells you that you can't trust yourself?
I guess you say "Well, SOMEONE has to be this talented. Our society pushes the concept of the imperfect person, of the person who "needs this" or "needs that" to be whole. Our society PUSHES the specialist as natural, when that is a fallacy. We NEED to be generalists in order to survive! There are plenty of uber-talented, well-rounded, good and kind people in this world, and I'm intelligent, I've worked hard, and dammit, I AM this kind of person. I AM this talented and well rounded. So fuck off. It's not ego, it's confidence and truth."
I really hope it sinks in.
I was trying to cut some parmesan herb bread for breakfast, and I cut my finger. I squealed, so Andrew ran in (butt naked, it was cute) from the bedroom to see what was the matter. It actually bled quite a bit, so he put a bandaid on it. The bandaid has a butterfly on it. :)
My friend Floyd moved to the States at the same time that I did. He's in southern california, working on his PHd. He's been sending these INCREDIBLE long emails about his thoughts on the state of the US, and whatnot. They're so involved, knowledgeable and intelligent, that at first I felt really stupid that I don't write like that, or even THINK like that.
Shortly thereafter I reminded myself that I AM intelligent (I have a 160 IQ), but that I have always been (and will continue to be) ruled by my emotions. I'm intuitive by nature. That's why I want to be a therapist. Floyd is working on his PHd. He's extremely intelligent, and he LIKES doing that sort of analysis and writing it down.
It takes all kinds. It takes ALL KINDS. A lot of times, Floyd has no idea of what's going on inside people. He has problems with social interaction, and social interaction is NOT intuitive for him. Does he feel bad about that? Probably not, because I'm the one ruled by my emotions, not him.
So I'm just going to have to chill about that.
Andrew and I spoke at length last night about my depression/low esteem and what it's based on:
In short, that I don't trust myself to know what's best, or right, or wrong, or worst.
I worry that when I think I am smart, sexy, pretty, creative, talented, and intuitive about people, or that I'm a good dancer, a great artist, and a good friend, that I am being egotistical.
My critic says "Who am I to be ALL those things? What is it about me that lets me have ALL these things, when there are so many stupid talentless ugly unhappy people in this world? When the majority of people, if they have any talents, tend to have one or two, they aren't well rounded?" And then my critic says "It's just your ego. You pathetic woman, you've talked yourself up, and it annoys people, they don't like your ego, and they laugh that you think those things of yourself, because you don't have those talents."
What do you say to your inner critic, when your inner critic tells you that you can't trust yourself?
I guess you say "Well, SOMEONE has to be this talented. Our society pushes the concept of the imperfect person, of the person who "needs this" or "needs that" to be whole. Our society PUSHES the specialist as natural, when that is a fallacy. We NEED to be generalists in order to survive! There are plenty of uber-talented, well-rounded, good and kind people in this world, and I'm intelligent, I've worked hard, and dammit, I AM this kind of person. I AM this talented and well rounded. So fuck off. It's not ego, it's confidence and truth."
I really hope it sinks in.
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Date: 2002-09-25 05:12 pm (UTC)Keep the peanut gallery at home...