How thick is blood?
Jan. 20th, 2003 08:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlLast night I had a dream that Aaron and I went to some wierd show at a fantasy-land outdoor space, and we saw a recording of some hard rock band on a big screen. We decided to leave and so took off down the path, me on a rolling chair (the frustration part of the dream), and he took off ahead of me. I abandoned the chair to find him in a clearing surrounded by 3 blonde crazy women with scissors. They were upset about some guy they'd killed. I helped them to realize it was ok they killed the guy, and they kept cutting their hair, cutting their hair, cutting their hair as they circled us.
Then I woke up.
Manplanet is playing at the LaunchPad on February 5th. I'd love to go with Andrew, but I just checked, and it's not an all ages show. Dammit. I won't go without him.
Our weekend was quiet. Very quiet. We made a vegan Nepalese Dahl with brown rice, mmmmmmmmm it was good. I napped. We watched some tv, and I had a very interesting conversation with my mother regarding my brother.
For those who have been around for the long haul, perhaps you recall the horrifing debacle surrounding my mother's birthday. For those who have not - my brother and I decided to get my mom 50 presents for her 50th birthday. Cheap presents - everything for a dollar or two. He and his girlfriend would get 25, Andrew and I would get 25. Then I would get balloons and streamers and stuff to decorate her apartment, they would supply the dinner fixings, and I would make the cake. It seemed like a pretty fair splitting of the chores.
I spent hours on mom's presents. Hours. I went to chinatown, I went to dollar stores, I trucked up and down Yonge street, I bought her a journal and painted the cover with pixies, I made her a collage of pictures of me and matt and her, no dad. I worked hard on her presents. So did Andrew - he made her a tissue paper butterfly, helped me wrap, and walked everywhere with me as I shopped.
Every time I called my brother, he hadn't done anything yet. I went on vacation, did some shopping there, and he hadn't done anything. Called him when I got back, nothing. He said he was going through some shit. I said "that sucks, just let me know if I need to pick up the slack. It's ok, I will. Just let me know." He didn't do anything. 2 days before her birthday, I called him to see what was up. He yelled at me, sweared at me, called me names and told me he was calling the whole thing off. Then he hung up on me.
I was furious. I don't remember exactly what I said in my diary at that time, but (even though this was usual behaviour with him) I couldn't believe that just after getting rid of a horrible abusive person like Alex, my very own brother was putting me through the same shit, just because he knew that I wanted to make this good for mom. He thought he could manipulate me! So I called mom, told her that I was trying to do this great thing for her, and that Matt had fucked it up. I said that he said he wasn't going to do anything, and I said that I didn't have the time to do his part. I said that I wanted it to be perfect, but if it didn't happen that way, I just wanted her to know that I had tried none the less.
As it turned out, he got his girlfriend to go out and buy their half of the presents. And they got stupid things, like a banana, and an orange, candy, stuff like that.
On the actual day, I made a point of treating him nicely, for her sake. I didn't want arguments to ruin her day. I even hugged him hello. The day went well - the food was good, the cake was good, she loved the idea of the presents, and really loved the photo collage I made for her.
Afterwards, mom took me aside and thanked me over and over for all the work I put into her birthday. She thought it was great. And she could tell all the work I'd put into it, and wasn't fooled by his presents. She knew the score. Of course, it was blindingly obvious.
Periodically, she's thanked me again and again. She said it was her best birthday ever, and so on.
I've been disgusted with my brother since then. He's a child. He's controlling, and mean, and abusive. He doesn't take responsibility. He still, at 28, asks my mom for money. He doesn't pay people back. He's a hypocrite. He's an ass. He reacts with violent anger when confronted. So I've pretty much cut him out of my life. I sent him a Christmas present, but that's just because I'm a nice girl. It was just gift certificates, anyway.
Last week my mom said she was disappointed in my brother because he's living off his girlfriend's wage, and doesn't feel like looking for work. She asked my opinion of whether or not she should tell him what she thinks. So I told her EXACTLY what I think of him, and of our situation with him, of what he'll do if she says something, and etc. I laid it out on the line. I was explicit, firm yet kind, and thorough. I even told her that no matter what she said, it wouldn't change him. The only change he would experience would be through some kind of hardship. And I even said that he would never grow responsibility if she kept giving him money when he asked for it.
Last night she called and we talked for awhile. She thinks I'm exactly right. I think she was surprised at my knowledge. But anyway. I told her that I put up with him for her sake for her birthday, but that I don't take that from anyone, and I have no intention of taking his shit any more. I also told her that I think the only thing that might actually get his head out of his ass is if she and I both stop contact altogether. Tell him what we think (kindly and without rancor), and then say we're stopping contact until he grows up. And stick to it.
Surprisingly, she agrees with me. She's always been the "appearances are more important than truths" type of person. But she's changing that, it seems. She says he's a toxic person, and he's the only toxic person she allows in her life nowadays, and that should change.
I'm not looking forward to this, but I think it's the only way. Whether or not he changes is one thing (because I can't completely convince myself that I have the right to instigate change in others based on my beliefs of right and wrong, I have only the right to stop behaviour that hurts me, and mostly then I feel stopping it by staying away from it is best), but not having this around me is good.
My brother and I don't have a lot of contact right now anyway, but that cycles in and out.
The sucky thing is that when we were kids, I felt really protective of him. I really did. He was my little brother. I stuck up for him. I held him when he was afraid. He would crawl into my bed when my parents fought. We'd cover for each other. We talked candidly about all sorts of things. We were honest with each other.
But somewhere along the way we grew apart. It's really sad. This whole thing makes me want to cry.
Then I woke up.
Manplanet is playing at the LaunchPad on February 5th. I'd love to go with Andrew, but I just checked, and it's not an all ages show. Dammit. I won't go without him.
Our weekend was quiet. Very quiet. We made a vegan Nepalese Dahl with brown rice, mmmmmmmmm it was good. I napped. We watched some tv, and I had a very interesting conversation with my mother regarding my brother.
For those who have been around for the long haul, perhaps you recall the horrifing debacle surrounding my mother's birthday. For those who have not - my brother and I decided to get my mom 50 presents for her 50th birthday. Cheap presents - everything for a dollar or two. He and his girlfriend would get 25, Andrew and I would get 25. Then I would get balloons and streamers and stuff to decorate her apartment, they would supply the dinner fixings, and I would make the cake. It seemed like a pretty fair splitting of the chores.
I spent hours on mom's presents. Hours. I went to chinatown, I went to dollar stores, I trucked up and down Yonge street, I bought her a journal and painted the cover with pixies, I made her a collage of pictures of me and matt and her, no dad. I worked hard on her presents. So did Andrew - he made her a tissue paper butterfly, helped me wrap, and walked everywhere with me as I shopped.
Every time I called my brother, he hadn't done anything yet. I went on vacation, did some shopping there, and he hadn't done anything. Called him when I got back, nothing. He said he was going through some shit. I said "that sucks, just let me know if I need to pick up the slack. It's ok, I will. Just let me know." He didn't do anything. 2 days before her birthday, I called him to see what was up. He yelled at me, sweared at me, called me names and told me he was calling the whole thing off. Then he hung up on me.
I was furious. I don't remember exactly what I said in my diary at that time, but (even though this was usual behaviour with him) I couldn't believe that just after getting rid of a horrible abusive person like Alex, my very own brother was putting me through the same shit, just because he knew that I wanted to make this good for mom. He thought he could manipulate me! So I called mom, told her that I was trying to do this great thing for her, and that Matt had fucked it up. I said that he said he wasn't going to do anything, and I said that I didn't have the time to do his part. I said that I wanted it to be perfect, but if it didn't happen that way, I just wanted her to know that I had tried none the less.
As it turned out, he got his girlfriend to go out and buy their half of the presents. And they got stupid things, like a banana, and an orange, candy, stuff like that.
On the actual day, I made a point of treating him nicely, for her sake. I didn't want arguments to ruin her day. I even hugged him hello. The day went well - the food was good, the cake was good, she loved the idea of the presents, and really loved the photo collage I made for her.
Afterwards, mom took me aside and thanked me over and over for all the work I put into her birthday. She thought it was great. And she could tell all the work I'd put into it, and wasn't fooled by his presents. She knew the score. Of course, it was blindingly obvious.
Periodically, she's thanked me again and again. She said it was her best birthday ever, and so on.
I've been disgusted with my brother since then. He's a child. He's controlling, and mean, and abusive. He doesn't take responsibility. He still, at 28, asks my mom for money. He doesn't pay people back. He's a hypocrite. He's an ass. He reacts with violent anger when confronted. So I've pretty much cut him out of my life. I sent him a Christmas present, but that's just because I'm a nice girl. It was just gift certificates, anyway.
Last week my mom said she was disappointed in my brother because he's living off his girlfriend's wage, and doesn't feel like looking for work. She asked my opinion of whether or not she should tell him what she thinks. So I told her EXACTLY what I think of him, and of our situation with him, of what he'll do if she says something, and etc. I laid it out on the line. I was explicit, firm yet kind, and thorough. I even told her that no matter what she said, it wouldn't change him. The only change he would experience would be through some kind of hardship. And I even said that he would never grow responsibility if she kept giving him money when he asked for it.
Last night she called and we talked for awhile. She thinks I'm exactly right. I think she was surprised at my knowledge. But anyway. I told her that I put up with him for her sake for her birthday, but that I don't take that from anyone, and I have no intention of taking his shit any more. I also told her that I think the only thing that might actually get his head out of his ass is if she and I both stop contact altogether. Tell him what we think (kindly and without rancor), and then say we're stopping contact until he grows up. And stick to it.
Surprisingly, she agrees with me. She's always been the "appearances are more important than truths" type of person. But she's changing that, it seems. She says he's a toxic person, and he's the only toxic person she allows in her life nowadays, and that should change.
I'm not looking forward to this, but I think it's the only way. Whether or not he changes is one thing (because I can't completely convince myself that I have the right to instigate change in others based on my beliefs of right and wrong, I have only the right to stop behaviour that hurts me, and mostly then I feel stopping it by staying away from it is best), but not having this around me is good.
My brother and I don't have a lot of contact right now anyway, but that cycles in and out.
The sucky thing is that when we were kids, I felt really protective of him. I really did. He was my little brother. I stuck up for him. I held him when he was afraid. He would crawl into my bed when my parents fought. We'd cover for each other. We talked candidly about all sorts of things. We were honest with each other.
But somewhere along the way we grew apart. It's really sad. This whole thing makes me want to cry.
