Mother, may I?

[brightbluegirl]

I wrote this after I got two emails from my mother - one lecturing me on proper kitchen etiquette, one saying I don't know her well.

The First Draft

Hi Mom,

I actually got very upset about this email. I'd like to share with you, as much as possible, why.

I don't think this is going in a good direction for us, by the way. I care about you, but this email upset me enough that I didn't want to try and fix it. That's a lot of upset. I think there's a difference between open communication about our feelings, and going in depth into our differences. I believe that our differences are going to stay there - I am secure in my belief system and the things that I value, and I believe that you are too. I think they work well for each of us, and I don't think theres any point to hashing them out again. I think that will hurt more than help. Or at least, that's how it feels now.


>I got a tiny feeling from reading your message
> > to him that you were a little too lenient on him. He does not have a good
> > track record. You were very generous to him, now will it be returned.

Already, in the email I received from him, it was returned. It's important to me that I be as fair as possible in these sorts of communications. I think that Matt may never have been approached in a way that felt fair to him (by me or you), so he deserves to be approached in a way he can relate to. Afterwards, if he didn't respond well, or if he forgets and goes back to old ways, well, then my words and actions will be less generous. But I wanted to start on the best ground possible.

I think that it's important in all adult contact with people you love and care about to be generous and understanding. I am very generous when dealing with you, and very generous when dealing with others I care about as well. I expect it in return, and in most cases I receive it.


> > best for you, because she has different ideas of what is important (believe
> > me, I know! what with my tattoos, my love of alternative cultures, my
> > search for happiness and not money, those sorts of things are difficult to
> > explain to Mom, because she thinks other things are important. Lisa, you are
> > way off base here my dear. In a manner of speaking, I invented alternative
> > cultures before you were born for heaven's sake. When you two were small, I
> > was the only person I knew that was making homemade babyfood, the only mother
> > who wouldn't put those baby shoes on her babies, a very brave act in those
> > days and many, many things that set me at quite a distance from ALL of the
> > neighbours and all the relatives. And there were no others like me. You may
> > not think that qualifies as alternative cultures etc but it is only the things
> > I care to tell you about. The truth is that was the end of the hippie
> > movement and I was quite a free thinker. This tells me that you still are at
> > quite a distance from full understanding of what our differing beliefs are.
> > Please believe me when I tell you that I don't think you know me anywhere near
> > how you think you know me. However you are definitely right about the tatoos!!
> > :-)

I think that you don't know me nearly as well as you think you do, either. When I talk about alternative cultures, I'm not talking about organic food, healthy living, raising children in different ways, smoking pot, or even different views on sexuality. These are all alternative cultures, but it's obvious for the health ones that we have the same views, for example.

I'm primarily talking about my tattoos, and piercings. They are part of an alternative culture - a culture of body modification. I love my hair when it's blue - but I dyed it a normal colour for you over Christmas. I thought of it as a Christmas present because you don't understand my reasons for doing these things.

For example - Andrew has a nose piercing that we have hidden all the times we've seen you, because we didn't want you to feel uncomfortable - based on your actions and reactions to me in the past. We do these things to make you feel better, because these things seem to make you feel so uncomfortable. Your welfare is important to me!

When, at Christmas, you said how I looked so good, I felt very uncomfortable. I felt that you said I looked good because my hair was blonde and longer, my tattoos were covered, and I was wearing clothes that you felt were nice. If that's not what you felt, deep down, please tell me. That would make me feel a lot better. But that's what I felt.

I also like a lot different music than you do, and the clothing styles that go along with it. I wasn't implying that you haven't done alternative things, nor do I think that. Andrew did tell me what you said about when you went hitchhiking when you were younger, for example.

And plus, mom, if there are things that you feel I don't understand or know about you, how about telling me about them? It's not fair for me to feel lambasted about things I don't know when all I can work on is the things I have gleaned from conversations and actions. I am perfectly willing to change my impressions about you, or about anyone else for that matter, when I'm shown my mistakes. But really, I feel that this conversation came about based on miscommunication - that is, when I sent you that email that I wrote to Matt, I didn't explain what I meant by alternative, and you thought I meant something else other than what I actually meant.

I do think I know you better than you think I do. I remember eating health food when I was growing up! I remember going to those alternative woman's gatherings! Martial Arts instructor is not a normal job, either. In a lot of ways we lived very alternative lives. And I'm glad for that!

Something that really bothered me about that email, and in the previous one about plasticware, is that I really got the impression that you don't think you're relating to an equal when you talk to me or deal with me. I felt, by your use of "you kids", and the phrase "I invented alternative cultures before you were born, for heaven's sake", that I was being talked down to, and lectured to. I don't deal well with that sort of communication, it makes me feel misrepresented, frustrated, and thus angry. If that's not true, great! I want it not to be true, of course. And if it's not true, then please tell me, because it will make me feel better, and we won't have to talk about that again.

I understand that you are my mother, and that you are older than I am. But I am an adult, by my own right, and I want to feel like I'm being treated like one. I act like one. I take care of myself, I pay my bills, I make my decisions, and I take responsibility for myself and my actions.

I don't know where to go from here. I care about you, I really do. Like I said above, your welfare is important to me. I feel like we've had these conversations before, but that nothing has come of it. I guess there's still a lot that hasn't been dealt with since we stopped talking back then.

Love,
Lisa





I rewrote this after a lot of thought last night and this morning. I realized that a lot of my anger was over her lecturing. I also realized that she lectures everyone. I firmly decided that when someone lectures me, I'll say "I disagree, but thank you for your concern". That's what I did about the kitchen lecture.

I realized that I love my mother very much, but that she's an extremely judgemental person. She believes she knows everything, and that she's better than everyone, and that it's her duty to tell you when she thinks you're fucking up. I know several people like that. I don't think it's right. Even when I think someone is doing something wrong, unless they're hurting me, I find it very difficult to tell them. I believe it's their right to live their life, and I should stay out of it unless asked for advice. She does it out of love, and that's what I'll keep in mind. She doesn't want to change her views - no-one wants to think they're a bad person. And that's ok.

The Sent E-mail

Hi Mom,

>I got a tiny feeling from reading your message
> > to him that you were a little too lenient on him. He does not have a good
> > track record. You were very generous to him, now will it be returned.

Already, in the email I received from him, it was returned. It's important to me that I be as fair as possible in these sorts of communications. I think that Matt may never have been approached in a way that felt fair to him (by me or you), so he deserves to be approached in a way he can relate to. Afterwards, if he didn't respond well, or if he forgets and goes back to old ways, well, then my words and actions will be less generous. But I wanted to start on the best ground possible.

I think that it's important in all adult contact with people you love and care about to be generous and understanding. I am very generous when dealing with you, and very generous when dealing with others I care about as well. I expect it in return, and in most cases I receive it. (When I don't, that person gets a couple of chances, (I'm primarily thinking of Kurt in this case) and then is out of my life.)


> > best for you, because she has different ideas of what is important (believe
> > me, I know! what with my tattoos, my love of alternative cultures, my
> > search for happiness and not money, those sorts of things are difficult to
> > explain to Mom, because she thinks other things are important. Lisa, you are
> > way off base here my dear. In a manner of speaking, I invented alternative
> > cultures before you were born for heaven's sake. When you two were small, I
> > was the only person I knew that was making homemade babyfood, the only mother
> > who wouldn't put those baby shoes on her babies, a very brave act in those
> > days and many, many things that set me at quite a distance from ALL of the
> > neighbours and all the relatives. And there were no others like me. You may
> > not think that qualifies as alternative cultures etc but it is only the things
> > I care to tell you about. The truth is that was the end of the hippie
> > movement and I was quite a free thinker. This tells me that you still are at
> > quite a distance from full understanding of what our differing beliefs are.
> > Please believe me when I tell you that I don't think you know me anywhere near
> > how you think you know me. However you are definitely right about the tatoos!!
> > :-)

I should have said this better. When I talk about alternative cultures, I'm not talking about organic food, healthy living, or raising children in different ways. These are all alternative cultures, but it's obvious that we have the same views on these.

I'm primarily talking about my tattoos, and piercings. They are part of an alternative culture - a culture of body modification. I love my hair when it's blue - but I dyed it a normal colour for you over Christmas. I thought of it as a Christmas present because you don't understand my reasons for doing these things.

For example - Andrew has a nose piercing that we have hidden all the times we've seen you, because we didn't want you to feel uncomfortable - based on your actions and reactions to me in the past. We do these things to make you feel better, because these things seem to make you feel so uncomfortable. Your welfare is important to me!

I wasn't implying that you haven't done alternative things, nor do I think that. Andrew did tell me what you said about when you went hitchhiking when you were younger, for example.

I do think I know you better than you think I do. I remember eating health food when I was growing up! I remember going to those alternative woman's gatherings! Martial Arts instructor is not a normal job, either. In a lot of ways we lived very alternative lives. And I'm glad for that!

And plus, mom, if there are things that you feel I don't understand or know about you, how about telling me about them? It's not fair for me to feel lambasted about things I don't know when all I can work on is the things I have gleaned from conversations and actions. I am perfectly willing to change my impressions about you, or about anyone else for that matter, when I'm shown my mistakes.

But really, I feel that this conversation came about based on miscommunication - that is, when I sent you that email that I wrote to Matt, I didn't explain what I meant by alternative, and you thought I meant something else other than what I actually meant.

I love you very much! I'm glad you're in my life again. I'm fine with us agreeing to disagree about certain things. I wish I knew the right words to say, but I guess this will have to do for now.

Love,
Lisa



In other news, we made a big batch of Vindaloo curry last night. Potatos and carrots and mushrooms and chick peas and kidney beans and diced tomatos... YUM! So easy to make, and SOOOOOO tasty.

We found a weight bench at Walmart for $70. You have to buy the weights, but it allows you to do lots of exercises. Leg Curl, Leg Extension, 3 chest, butterfly, lats... all good things. We're saving up for it. Hopefully we'll be able to get it at the end of the month. We can't afford to buy $25/month/person memberships at the Y, and I work out best after a rest after work, so this will be best. We already get enough cardio.

I'm really excited - I'd rather have it now, but I know that's just my impatient side. Another month of just doing lots of cardio will still be good for me.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I agree with you 110% on everything you said to your Mom. ~Janie