Mama said there'd be days like this...
Feb. 10th, 2003 09:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlIt's funny how things get forgotten, and then remembered, strongly, harshly, painfully.
This morning I woke up at 3am (with a pained shoulder, see below) and had a lot of problems sleeping afterward.
Sadly, I kept thinking of things that happened in the past, small things that people did to hurt (all based in prejudice, not friends who hurt me, but inconsequential people I met once who treated me like scum because I had pointy purple hair, piercings, and tattoos). I always stood up for myself, or for my friends, when these things happened. I did well in those situations, so there was no reason to re-think them. But I did, over and over and over again! Things I hadn't thought of, that hadn't even registered as a blip on my radar since the time they'd happened.
And Alex. I thought about Alex. And the funny thing is, I didn't really think about specific evils he did to me. I just thought about grabbing him by the throat and squeezing. Punching him in the face repeatedly. Seeing his teeth fly out of his mouth. Making sure he can never have sex again.
Incredibly violent, not me sort of visions. I'm not that sort of person. I'm not even barely that sort of person. I even turned Andrew into a pacifist when we met.
Yeah, funny. Ha. Ha.
Then I fell back asleep (just before the alarm went off) to have a dream where I could use the force. I was very strong with the force. I moved things into my hands. I flew. I lifted two other people and had them fly with me.
Oh yeah - I lost a pound! Woohoo!! Now I just have 28 lbs to go. This morning it was hard to wake up, hard to get moving. But I kept on keeping on, and I got on my bike in the freezing cold (brrr), and biked to work. Good for me, keeping going in the face of mental adversity!
Yesterday I spent some time re-reading "A Woman's Book of Strength" by Karen Andes, in preparation for lifting weights again.
I found some exercises I should be doing now - something for strengthening my lower back, and some leg raises for the outer thigh. I added them in to my stretching routine last night. My legs feel fine, but I jammed my shoulder while lying on my side for the leg raises. Dammit. I woke up at 3am in a lot of pain.
The bike ride in loosened the shoulder up a little, but not all the way. Hopefully it will calm down as the day progresses.
My old Discman has died. It put forth a valiant effort, but now, instead of playing cds, it rasps like my lungs during an asthma attack. My poor, wheezing, dying discman.
I'm using Andrew's for the nonce. Hopefully we'll be able to find something very cheap that I can use to bike with once he starts working again.
Which he will be, we think. He talked to his boss, who thinks the heat is almost off. After this payday (Friday), we expect a call from him letting Andrew know when to work again.
He said it's a good chance that Andrew won't be working as much as he was before, but that's ok - by the time he stopped working, he was working almost every night. If he only works 2 nights a week, we'll be happy. If he works more, that's fine too. More than fine.
When I came in today, my manager pulled me into his office to ask my opinion on the people we work with. He wanted confirmation. I feel really honoured. I also feel good, that he appreciates my worth in a "she understands people" sense. We agreed very much in our thoughts on each person we discussed. It was interesting to get that kind of insight. He doesn't seem to pull anyone else into his office for those sorts of discussions. Not when I'm noticing, anyway. Yet again, I feel that I'm a valued part of this company.
My mother emailed me back. It was a really great email - things are moving forward, I am so glad!!!
"What jumped out at me from that email when I first read it and again
now upon rereading it, was how nice of you to go out of your way to make me feel
as comfortable as possible at Christmas. I really do appreciate it and did
appreciate it when I was there. It was obvious to me then that you were trying
very hard to make me comfortable and it worked.
I'm glad you were mentioning the issue about alternative cultures. I understand
that we both weren't really explaining what we meant. I wanted you to know that
I am a very alternative thinker and have led a lonely life (no support from the
ideologically different people surrounding me) because of it. However since you
and Matt grew up in it, it is normal to you. I hadn't really thought about it
much before but I guess it touched a tender spot when I thought you were saying
that I'm pretty mainstream. It may look that way on the surface to some but I
am really not comfortable with being thought of that way especially when I know
that I have fought so long and hard for my principles. That is one way that
both you and Matt are so much like me - such strong believers in our beliefs!"
This morning I woke up at 3am (with a pained shoulder, see below) and had a lot of problems sleeping afterward.
Sadly, I kept thinking of things that happened in the past, small things that people did to hurt (all based in prejudice, not friends who hurt me, but inconsequential people I met once who treated me like scum because I had pointy purple hair, piercings, and tattoos). I always stood up for myself, or for my friends, when these things happened. I did well in those situations, so there was no reason to re-think them. But I did, over and over and over again! Things I hadn't thought of, that hadn't even registered as a blip on my radar since the time they'd happened.
And Alex. I thought about Alex. And the funny thing is, I didn't really think about specific evils he did to me. I just thought about grabbing him by the throat and squeezing. Punching him in the face repeatedly. Seeing his teeth fly out of his mouth. Making sure he can never have sex again.
Incredibly violent, not me sort of visions. I'm not that sort of person. I'm not even barely that sort of person. I even turned Andrew into a pacifist when we met.
Yeah, funny. Ha. Ha.
Then I fell back asleep (just before the alarm went off) to have a dream where I could use the force. I was very strong with the force. I moved things into my hands. I flew. I lifted two other people and had them fly with me.
Oh yeah - I lost a pound! Woohoo!! Now I just have 28 lbs to go. This morning it was hard to wake up, hard to get moving. But I kept on keeping on, and I got on my bike in the freezing cold (brrr), and biked to work. Good for me, keeping going in the face of mental adversity!
Yesterday I spent some time re-reading "A Woman's Book of Strength" by Karen Andes, in preparation for lifting weights again.
I found some exercises I should be doing now - something for strengthening my lower back, and some leg raises for the outer thigh. I added them in to my stretching routine last night. My legs feel fine, but I jammed my shoulder while lying on my side for the leg raises. Dammit. I woke up at 3am in a lot of pain.
The bike ride in loosened the shoulder up a little, but not all the way. Hopefully it will calm down as the day progresses.
My old Discman has died. It put forth a valiant effort, but now, instead of playing cds, it rasps like my lungs during an asthma attack. My poor, wheezing, dying discman.
I'm using Andrew's for the nonce. Hopefully we'll be able to find something very cheap that I can use to bike with once he starts working again.
Which he will be, we think. He talked to his boss, who thinks the heat is almost off. After this payday (Friday), we expect a call from him letting Andrew know when to work again.
He said it's a good chance that Andrew won't be working as much as he was before, but that's ok - by the time he stopped working, he was working almost every night. If he only works 2 nights a week, we'll be happy. If he works more, that's fine too. More than fine.
When I came in today, my manager pulled me into his office to ask my opinion on the people we work with. He wanted confirmation. I feel really honoured. I also feel good, that he appreciates my worth in a "she understands people" sense. We agreed very much in our thoughts on each person we discussed. It was interesting to get that kind of insight. He doesn't seem to pull anyone else into his office for those sorts of discussions. Not when I'm noticing, anyway. Yet again, I feel that I'm a valued part of this company.
My mother emailed me back. It was a really great email - things are moving forward, I am so glad!!!
"What jumped out at me from that email when I first read it and again
now upon rereading it, was how nice of you to go out of your way to make me feel
as comfortable as possible at Christmas. I really do appreciate it and did
appreciate it when I was there. It was obvious to me then that you were trying
very hard to make me comfortable and it worked.
I'm glad you were mentioning the issue about alternative cultures. I understand
that we both weren't really explaining what we meant. I wanted you to know that
I am a very alternative thinker and have led a lonely life (no support from the
ideologically different people surrounding me) because of it. However since you
and Matt grew up in it, it is normal to you. I hadn't really thought about it
much before but I guess it touched a tender spot when I thought you were saying
that I'm pretty mainstream. It may look that way on the surface to some but I
am really not comfortable with being thought of that way especially when I know
that I have fought so long and hard for my principles. That is one way that
both you and Matt are so much like me - such strong believers in our beliefs!"
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