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Feb. 13th, 2003 08:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlBreathing, one of the small luxuries
My lungs weren't co-operating with me yesterday. I don't know why, maybe allergies, maybe this cold I've been fighting off forever, who knows. As a result, I didn't exercise at all yesterday (except for stretches), and I left work around 2. Andrew made me peppermint tea, and put me on the couch with pillows and a blanket to watch daytime tv. I NEVER get to watch daytime tv. It was lots of fun. He made dinner, I ate, I had a nap, and then we stretched together.
(Today my lungs are bothering me a little bit, but I biked in to work anyway. I have my inhaler, after all. Unfortunately, it's raining. As a result, my bum is wet. At least I wore black pants.)
Discussion before bed
Since I had a two hour nap after dinner yesterday, when we went to bed I wasn't as tired as usual. We stayed up for an hour talking. It was so close and personal. Of course, I did most of the talking, since I'm speedy-brain-introspective-girl, but that's still good. He insists he doesn't have as many things that bother him, or that he feels the need to think about as I do.
I talked about my adult life, about things I've accomplished, about how I feel I wasted a lot of that time, about my weight, about memories... just about things.
I realized that I feel as if I'm not a good enough person if I'm not striving for something. Just being and enjoying, it seems, is too decadent. That would explain the smaller problem I have of not being able to relax, but in a bigger sense, it's important that I pay attention to that revelation. I've been so focussed on "if you're not trying to make yourself better, you suck", that I've forgotten that life is about just being happy and enjoying and smiling and loving.
That will change.
Dreams
Dream 1) I was in a forest looking for a missing family. We found two children, pulled apart into several pieces, mauled. People started screaming. I was so scared, petrified, because people were screaming and I couldn't make them shut up, and the bad guy could come up under cover of the noise and we wouldn't hear him/it. I tried to scream for them to stop but my screams were the same pitch so they couldn't hear me. My back kept prickling, as if someone was coming up behind me.
Then I saw the mother, and needed to get her and tell her she was ok, and find out what happened. She was on a bridge. I ran towards her, but I scared her. She thought I was the murderer. I had a long stick (a bo, for those martial arts inclined), and I was pointing it towards her like a jousting thing. I realized that was scary, so I morphed the bo into something to catch her, but then I realized it looked like a scythe, and she would think I was death trying to get her.
She ran at me with a knife, I dodged, and I woke up.
I was so frightened, when I woke up. Petrified. And I was still in sleep paralysis (which I rarely experience when awake), so I couldn't move my legs or feet, or even arms, for what felt like forever.
Dream 2) I don't remember. I just remember waking up scared when Penelope cried at the door. I remember thinking "2 nightmares in one night, how unreasonable!", and I was able to get up to pee. I kind of had to, or else Penelope wouldn't have shut up.
Dream 3) I auditioned for a play. I was way better than the popular girl. Some people left because they didn't want me to get the part over the popular girl, but a majority of people stayed, so as far as a vote went, I got the part. The popular boy liked me, and we started hanging out. I remember seeing myself - I was skinny, and wearing a long black a-line skirt and a couple of tank tops. Just outside the auditorium, we made out, and I was very hot and bothered by it all.
Then I realized that I had to get in to the auditorium for my scene, but when I went in there and started walking towards the (pretty empty) stage, the director guy said "Unfortunately, I had to recast your part since you never showed up for rehearsals" and I knew he was talking to me, even though I really couldn't remember missing out on rehearsals. I felt horrible, like I was going to be unpopular again, and that I'd ruined the one good thing I'd accomplished.
I went up to the director to apologize and try to get my part back, (I said "I just got caught up in being liked, that's never happened before, and etc) and he said "yes, I'm sure you're sorry Lisa". And then looked past me. I turned around and there was a girl in a royal blue cloak, who saw that we saw her, and she disappeared.
I woke up unhappy from that one. The funny thing is that I've never wanted to be popular - not in that sense. I've always had lots of people who like me, and I have a better sense of self than to need those sorts of external yesses to make me feel good. It was probably all about accomplishments, just because of the thoughts and conversation I had before bed.
My lungs weren't co-operating with me yesterday. I don't know why, maybe allergies, maybe this cold I've been fighting off forever, who knows. As a result, I didn't exercise at all yesterday (except for stretches), and I left work around 2. Andrew made me peppermint tea, and put me on the couch with pillows and a blanket to watch daytime tv. I NEVER get to watch daytime tv. It was lots of fun. He made dinner, I ate, I had a nap, and then we stretched together.
(Today my lungs are bothering me a little bit, but I biked in to work anyway. I have my inhaler, after all. Unfortunately, it's raining. As a result, my bum is wet. At least I wore black pants.)
Discussion before bed
Since I had a two hour nap after dinner yesterday, when we went to bed I wasn't as tired as usual. We stayed up for an hour talking. It was so close and personal. Of course, I did most of the talking, since I'm speedy-brain-introspective-girl, but that's still good. He insists he doesn't have as many things that bother him, or that he feels the need to think about as I do.
I talked about my adult life, about things I've accomplished, about how I feel I wasted a lot of that time, about my weight, about memories... just about things.
I realized that I feel as if I'm not a good enough person if I'm not striving for something. Just being and enjoying, it seems, is too decadent. That would explain the smaller problem I have of not being able to relax, but in a bigger sense, it's important that I pay attention to that revelation. I've been so focussed on "if you're not trying to make yourself better, you suck", that I've forgotten that life is about just being happy and enjoying and smiling and loving.
That will change.
Dreams
Dream 1) I was in a forest looking for a missing family. We found two children, pulled apart into several pieces, mauled. People started screaming. I was so scared, petrified, because people were screaming and I couldn't make them shut up, and the bad guy could come up under cover of the noise and we wouldn't hear him/it. I tried to scream for them to stop but my screams were the same pitch so they couldn't hear me. My back kept prickling, as if someone was coming up behind me.
Then I saw the mother, and needed to get her and tell her she was ok, and find out what happened. She was on a bridge. I ran towards her, but I scared her. She thought I was the murderer. I had a long stick (a bo, for those martial arts inclined), and I was pointing it towards her like a jousting thing. I realized that was scary, so I morphed the bo into something to catch her, but then I realized it looked like a scythe, and she would think I was death trying to get her.
She ran at me with a knife, I dodged, and I woke up.
I was so frightened, when I woke up. Petrified. And I was still in sleep paralysis (which I rarely experience when awake), so I couldn't move my legs or feet, or even arms, for what felt like forever.
Dream 2) I don't remember. I just remember waking up scared when Penelope cried at the door. I remember thinking "2 nightmares in one night, how unreasonable!", and I was able to get up to pee. I kind of had to, or else Penelope wouldn't have shut up.
Dream 3) I auditioned for a play. I was way better than the popular girl. Some people left because they didn't want me to get the part over the popular girl, but a majority of people stayed, so as far as a vote went, I got the part. The popular boy liked me, and we started hanging out. I remember seeing myself - I was skinny, and wearing a long black a-line skirt and a couple of tank tops. Just outside the auditorium, we made out, and I was very hot and bothered by it all.
Then I realized that I had to get in to the auditorium for my scene, but when I went in there and started walking towards the (pretty empty) stage, the director guy said "Unfortunately, I had to recast your part since you never showed up for rehearsals" and I knew he was talking to me, even though I really couldn't remember missing out on rehearsals. I felt horrible, like I was going to be unpopular again, and that I'd ruined the one good thing I'd accomplished.
I went up to the director to apologize and try to get my part back, (I said "I just got caught up in being liked, that's never happened before, and etc) and he said "yes, I'm sure you're sorry Lisa". And then looked past me. I turned around and there was a girl in a royal blue cloak, who saw that we saw her, and she disappeared.
I woke up unhappy from that one. The funny thing is that I've never wanted to be popular - not in that sense. I've always had lots of people who like me, and I have a better sense of self than to need those sorts of external yesses to make me feel good. It was probably all about accomplishments, just because of the thoughts and conversation I had before bed.
