(no subject)

[brightbluegirl]

Trying to read "The Sound Bite Society: How Television Helps The Right And Hurts The Left" by Jeffrey Scheuer and I couldn't concentrate I couldn't think I couldn't track the words on the page the concepts or even follow where he was going and I realized that I feel as if I've taken in too much and I haven't grokked enough and I'm TIRED.

I'm tired of being on a diet. I'm tired of being motivated. I'm tired of counting each and every fucking calorie that goes into my mouth and waiting to see if there's any fucking difference in my weight. I'm tired of thinking "you just wait and see what I'll look like". I'm tired of all this bullshit. I'm tired of being fat.

I'm tired of constantly moving. I want a home of my own. I'm tired of planning moves of looking for a job of selling myself of supporting the family of paying the bills of figuring out the budget of trying to think of ways to make the money we need to move of trying to feel positive about the job search of living in America of being away from friends and family dammit I'm tired of doing all this work I'm tired of this give me a break.

I'm tired of getting some extra money just to get an unexpected bill to use it on. I'm tired of having to think yeah that's it that's such a good universe thing thanks for taking care of me thanks for giving me more than I need thanks for giving me a roof over my head and taking me slowly oh so slowly out of debt and not putting me greater out of debt, thanks for not having me be a street walker or a child in ughanda or a single mother or a crack head or an abused child thanks for giving me so much I want to scream GIVE ME MORE DAMMIT GIVE ME WHAT I WANT LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I'LL DO WITH IT and I don't want to hear one motherfucking word about how much I have already I fucking know it.

I'm tired of this fucking job and I hate it. I hate talking to these people and I hate being nice to them and if anything were ever going to take me away from the buddhist principles of understanding and compassion, and alex-the-asshole didn't do it, then these people will, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for thinking that and I'm tired and dammit I can't fathom working this job for 6 months MORE and what the fuck was I thinking I'm tired of it. I am not cut out to be a tech oh sure I'm as technical as all hell and I can walk the walk and I've got customer service coming out of my ass and that's great and everything but I want to LIKE people dammit and I can't after a full day of this job and I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I'm tired. And there's so much more that I'm tired of and there's so much more that I'm angry about and I'm tired of that. A great big fuck you to people who are petty and tell stories when I try to be on the level and emotionally honest and mature. A great big fuck you to people that I could have torn apart with words but I didn't, who I agonized over everything I DID say because I didn't want to be unfair, who I then am CERTAIN have said plenty of unfair and uncool and unmature things about me, when all people will hear is that side of it because I'm not saying anything because I'm trying to be nice even so because I understand hurt and I care about you and nobody will ever know and that wasn't the point dammit it's not about them it's about me and whether I can look myself in the mirror and that doesn't matter because I'm tired and I want some fucking appreciation for what I've done and what I'm doing.

And fuck you to the idea that I'm not great. Because I fucking am. So fucking give me some respect, dammit.

I'm tired. I'm not making any sense and none of this matters because tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll do what needs to be done, just like every day I wake up and do what needs to be done, and I'll do it fabulously, and I'll do it to keep going, and maybe I'll be proud of myself, but all I want

ALL I WANT

Is a great big hug and to sleep for a week and a big bag of chips with a big bowl of ice cream.

And $30 000. And to weigh 160lbs. And an easy move to a great job in a great place in Canada. And an all expenses paid vacation to Cuba.

Comments

[dextra.livejournal.com]

dunno if you want or need a cheerleader right now but hey, i'm here...
you totally deserve all that you want, and there should be no shame in it. it's no crime to want more. you have intelligence, perception, and creativity, so you'll always see that there's more to what and where you're at. i have every confidence that you are on the right track, and once you have put enough karma and time and energy into your projects, everything will come to fruition.

i am totally jealous and envious of your strength and commitment when it comes to food, exercise, and weight loss.

it is frustrating and tiring as hell being constantly mindful of food, of how we handle coworkers, of how we handle finances.

feel free to stomp your foot in frustration, put your hands on your hips, thrust out your lower lip, then scream IT's NOT FAIR!

and know that there's a kiddie pool here waiting for you, and a bottle of pink champagne to drink in the rain.

[freakykitten.livejournal.com]

I am so lucky to have you in my life again.

I was reading your note and thinking about how wonderful it was and then I got to the last line and I remembered that time so vividly it gave me goosebumps and I almost cried. What a wonderful memory.

As an update: After I wrote this entry I went and ranted at Andrew for an hour and ate a serving of ice cream that I forced to fit into my diet somehow, and we're going to bed early and your note just made it all work.

[jodymeme.livejournal.com]

seems like it's time for a change, for a big shakeup.
it may be that you're on the precipice, getting ready to soar.