This is me, dammit
Apr. 4th, 2003 02:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlOne time I went to a small peaceful protest for a black woman who was being evicted based on racism. I knew a couple people there, but the one woman I knew well left early.
A woman came up and started harassing us. She was verbally violent, and protesters would take turns trying to make her see their point. She would raise her voice and talk over them until they shut up to let her speak (it was a group of very timid people), and then she would become verbally violent again.
When I saw her pattern, and saw that no-one was getting anywhere with her, I stood up and walked to the front of the group, to put the timid behind me. I started talking to her, and when she tried to talk over me, I raised my voice higher then hers and talked over HER until she shut up.
She started verbally abusing me, saying that I was a negative person and whatever. I gave her reasons why I am not negative (I'm trying to change the world, etc), and when she started going again, I turned to the group and said "Ignore her, she's just doing this for attention, she doesn't really care about the issue." Effectively cutting her off.
She left soon after that.
I felt very bad about what I did. I felt as if I had invited violence into a non-violent situation, and I felt removed from the group as a result. I left soon afterwards, ashamed and quiet.
Weeks afterwards, I saw one of my acquaintances that had been there. She told me that everyone had said to her afterwards how they'd felt so safe with me there, that I'd handled the situation so well and been so calm and in control.
I just got back from buying a bagel with cream cheese from the store. The (large) cashier there said to me "I've been considering the Atkins diet", and I said to him "I will never do the Atkins diet because I love my carbs". A server walked by, gave me a dirty look, and said "It's not about the carbs, it's about eating good portions of healthy food"
I thought "who the fuck do you think you are, you fucking idiot, to assume to know me when you don't even know my name, and to presume to tell me what I should and should not do to be healthy?"
I said "yes, and that includes carbs", smiled, and walked away.
One time I was walking with my (110 lb, small, skinny) male friend and his girlfriend and a girl friend of mine. We were in a small strip mall, going to one of the best bubble tea places I've ever been to. As we passed a small greek restaurant with a tiny plastic patio, my friend flicked his cigarette over the patio and into the parking lot.
A man exploded out of the (closed) greek restaurant and demanded that my friend move his cigarette out of the patio because it was melting the plastic. My friend walked over, came back and said "it's not my cigarette, man, it's not my brand", turned away and tried to walk away.
The man pushed him so hard my friend almost fell down.
I've never moved so fast in all my life. I grabbed my friend, THREW him behind me, stood toe to toe with that man and started talking. I was working completely on adrenalin and I don't remember exactly what I said, I just know that I never let him see me falter, I kept talking, and I at LEAST said "Hey, who do you think you are? He's a person, you can't treat him like that?"
When he stopped talking, I said "my friend is a good man, he would pick up the butt and apologize if it were his, but you heard him, he said it wasn't his brand." Trying to deescelate the situation and make it friendly and understanding again.
He stayed toe to toe with me and started shouting "You get off the property of this strip mall, you hear me??? You get out of here or I'll call the cops!"
And I said "You go ahead and call the cops, because we didn't do anything wrong. And we are NOT leaving, you don't have that power, you don't have that RIGHT, and you can't make us do something unreasonable like that!"
I SAW him think about hitting me. I SAW it go through his eyes. And I was ready for it. I was going to break his arm and call the cops on him. I was ready. My adrenalin was high, my knees were bent, and my arms loose. I was ready.
But he didn't.
So I turned around, said "let's go", and walked away.
As we turned into the bubble tea place, he shouted at me "You watch yourself, girl, you watch your back!"
And I said "What, big man, are you going to hurt me?"
That was 2 years ago. I STILL feel bad about that last line. I STILL feel as if I shouldn't have said that.
This is who I am, dammit. This is me.
A woman came up and started harassing us. She was verbally violent, and protesters would take turns trying to make her see their point. She would raise her voice and talk over them until they shut up to let her speak (it was a group of very timid people), and then she would become verbally violent again.
When I saw her pattern, and saw that no-one was getting anywhere with her, I stood up and walked to the front of the group, to put the timid behind me. I started talking to her, and when she tried to talk over me, I raised my voice higher then hers and talked over HER until she shut up.
She started verbally abusing me, saying that I was a negative person and whatever. I gave her reasons why I am not negative (I'm trying to change the world, etc), and when she started going again, I turned to the group and said "Ignore her, she's just doing this for attention, she doesn't really care about the issue." Effectively cutting her off.
She left soon after that.
I felt very bad about what I did. I felt as if I had invited violence into a non-violent situation, and I felt removed from the group as a result. I left soon afterwards, ashamed and quiet.
Weeks afterwards, I saw one of my acquaintances that had been there. She told me that everyone had said to her afterwards how they'd felt so safe with me there, that I'd handled the situation so well and been so calm and in control.
I just got back from buying a bagel with cream cheese from the store. The (large) cashier there said to me "I've been considering the Atkins diet", and I said to him "I will never do the Atkins diet because I love my carbs". A server walked by, gave me a dirty look, and said "It's not about the carbs, it's about eating good portions of healthy food"
I thought "who the fuck do you think you are, you fucking idiot, to assume to know me when you don't even know my name, and to presume to tell me what I should and should not do to be healthy?"
I said "yes, and that includes carbs", smiled, and walked away.
One time I was walking with my (110 lb, small, skinny) male friend and his girlfriend and a girl friend of mine. We were in a small strip mall, going to one of the best bubble tea places I've ever been to. As we passed a small greek restaurant with a tiny plastic patio, my friend flicked his cigarette over the patio and into the parking lot.
A man exploded out of the (closed) greek restaurant and demanded that my friend move his cigarette out of the patio because it was melting the plastic. My friend walked over, came back and said "it's not my cigarette, man, it's not my brand", turned away and tried to walk away.
The man pushed him so hard my friend almost fell down.
I've never moved so fast in all my life. I grabbed my friend, THREW him behind me, stood toe to toe with that man and started talking. I was working completely on adrenalin and I don't remember exactly what I said, I just know that I never let him see me falter, I kept talking, and I at LEAST said "Hey, who do you think you are? He's a person, you can't treat him like that?"
When he stopped talking, I said "my friend is a good man, he would pick up the butt and apologize if it were his, but you heard him, he said it wasn't his brand." Trying to deescelate the situation and make it friendly and understanding again.
He stayed toe to toe with me and started shouting "You get off the property of this strip mall, you hear me??? You get out of here or I'll call the cops!"
And I said "You go ahead and call the cops, because we didn't do anything wrong. And we are NOT leaving, you don't have that power, you don't have that RIGHT, and you can't make us do something unreasonable like that!"
I SAW him think about hitting me. I SAW it go through his eyes. And I was ready for it. I was going to break his arm and call the cops on him. I was ready. My adrenalin was high, my knees were bent, and my arms loose. I was ready.
But he didn't.
So I turned around, said "let's go", and walked away.
As we turned into the bubble tea place, he shouted at me "You watch yourself, girl, you watch your back!"
And I said "What, big man, are you going to hurt me?"
That was 2 years ago. I STILL feel bad about that last line. I STILL feel as if I shouldn't have said that.
This is who I am, dammit. This is me.
I smile...
Date: 2003-04-05 08:58 am (UTC)Cam >B)