some days

[brightbluegirl]

I'm off my diet until Thursday.

At least, that's what I tell myself. I don't know if the guilt will overwhelm me and make me eat to my limit anyway. Yesterday I said I was "off my diet", but if I ate as much as 1600 calories, I'd be surprised.

I want this success so desperately, so fiercely, that I'm afraid I'll never have it. Just like my job search. I want I want I want. And some part of me decided, long ago, that I will never get what I really want.

I remember the moment, actually, that I realized it was so.

I was... 13? The family was driving home from somewhere. It was dark, and we kids were dozing in the back. My father suggested we all go to McDonalds for some food, and at that moment I wanted McDonalds. I wanted it with every iota of my pre-teen being. My mother said "The kids were bad today. They don't DESERVE McDonalds"

And we didn't go to McDonalds.

And sure, I'm certain that is an example of a situation that created all sorts of issues with self worth and food, but that's besides the point. I've moved past almost all of those issues. I've been dealing with my knowledge of them for years.

HOWEVER.

At that precise instant, I knew it. I thought to myself "Of course we didn't get McDonalds. I wanted it too much."

It has stuck with me since then.

So now, when I want something, but another something has merits too, or the something isn't precisely perfect, so I don't want it completely, then I feel that I'll get that. But when I want something a LOT, I fear, shaking in my knees fear, that I won't get it.

I also fear that I need it, and that not getting it will ruin me in some indefinable undescribable end of life as I know it sort of way.

I'm almost... oh so close... to the weight I was at when I met Andrew. Before the pregnancy. Before everything. But that's not even good enough. I want it all.

Today I put on my long black shorts, and they are TOO big for me. I tightened the straps at the waist, and now they fit, but my hips look square, because tightening those waist straps bunched up the fabric. I guess I'd prefer being skinny with square hips to the fat alternative, but square hips are still kind of wierd-lookin'.

I'm feeling my cheeks right now. They are definitely less round than they were.

Some days that's not enough to go on, dammit.

Last night Andrew met me at work, we biked home, and then walked down to the co-op to get food. I'd eaten hardly anything all day, so we wanted to go for dinner after shopping. We ended up going to Shogun for sushi. I didn't want to spend all that money on it, but sushi sounded SOOOO good.

And it was. Better than the place we usually go. We scarfed it down, I think the only conversation was about how good the food was.

Comments

[bethie8888.livejournal.com]

Isn't it weird how we make connections like that with food? I have a weird trigger with boxed macaroni and cheese, of all things.