don't tell
May. 30th, 2003 10:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlI'm always less likable (and consequently, less well-liked) than my (important) boyfriends. I pick such easy-going, sweet, low-key men, I guess it's not surprising.
I'm a little bit more harsh. I speak my mind more, I disagree more, and sometimes, I'm just not in the mood to hang out.
I worry that I'm not nice enough or outgoing enough, but sometimes I just don't care.
I also worry that I'm not nice enough or easygoing enough to Andrew. Sometimes, because he's so easygoing, he doesn't react with much strength to things I feel bad about. Then I find myself over-acting or over-dramatizing the problem, so he'll react in a way I want him to.
I don't like that. I noticed it a couple of days ago, and I've decided to stop. I do think it'll be as easy as just stopping. I've walked the road of self change often enough. If I don't stop, it'll just escalate. No thank-you.
I've been a bad friend lately, and I don't see that changing. We were supposed to hang out with our neighbours last night (for some B action/horror/sci-fi flicks), and we also had a chance to hang out with caric for his birthday... but by the time I got home I was almost shaking with the need to stay away from people.
I climbed into my gauzy sleeping shift (which, ironically, I don't use for sleeping, since we sleep nude), and onto the couch, and that was it. I didn't want to leave. I COULDN'T leave. Life would have been horrible if I'd left. I was raw and tired and sad and constrained, all at once, and all I wanted was to stay at home.
So we did. I told him he could go out without me, but he thought he'd prefer hanging with me, so we could do all those things together some other time. Sweetheart.
So I gladly ditched caric, even though I like him, and I ditched our neighbours, even though I like them, and I guess I'm a bad friend.
I mean, it's not like we hang out with actual people all that often. You'd think I'd just suck up and take it.
We talked more about the Raw Diet thing last night, flipped through recipes (I've taken quite a few off the net) and discussed things. We have a food list, we're going grocery shopping tomorrow, and Sunday we're going to start.
I'm excited! I'll be fun, I think. We're going to make Almond milk and Smoothies and big old salads and Nori Rolls, and experiment with Wild Rice, and everything. Huzzah for experimental diets.
We watched subUrbia last night. The box said it was "fearsome funny" or something like that. But it wasn't. It was actually really sad. It showed really well the pits of doom that suburbs are, and how kids grow up fucked up and alone and without drive. Really effective. And depressing. NOT the kind of movie I was up for.
Tonight we go to a coworker's house for dinner. She told me she's making salmon. MMMMMmmmMMMMMMMmmMMMMM Salmon. We're going to bring spinach salad. She says she and the kids don't eat vegetables, but they like spinach salad because of the eggs and bacon and creamy dressing. I won't tell her it's low fat.
I'm a little bit more harsh. I speak my mind more, I disagree more, and sometimes, I'm just not in the mood to hang out.
I worry that I'm not nice enough or outgoing enough, but sometimes I just don't care.
I also worry that I'm not nice enough or easygoing enough to Andrew. Sometimes, because he's so easygoing, he doesn't react with much strength to things I feel bad about. Then I find myself over-acting or over-dramatizing the problem, so he'll react in a way I want him to.
I don't like that. I noticed it a couple of days ago, and I've decided to stop. I do think it'll be as easy as just stopping. I've walked the road of self change often enough. If I don't stop, it'll just escalate. No thank-you.
I've been a bad friend lately, and I don't see that changing. We were supposed to hang out with our neighbours last night (for some B action/horror/sci-fi flicks), and we also had a chance to hang out with caric for his birthday... but by the time I got home I was almost shaking with the need to stay away from people.
I climbed into my gauzy sleeping shift (which, ironically, I don't use for sleeping, since we sleep nude), and onto the couch, and that was it. I didn't want to leave. I COULDN'T leave. Life would have been horrible if I'd left. I was raw and tired and sad and constrained, all at once, and all I wanted was to stay at home.
So we did. I told him he could go out without me, but he thought he'd prefer hanging with me, so we could do all those things together some other time. Sweetheart.
So I gladly ditched caric, even though I like him, and I ditched our neighbours, even though I like them, and I guess I'm a bad friend.
I mean, it's not like we hang out with actual people all that often. You'd think I'd just suck up and take it.
We talked more about the Raw Diet thing last night, flipped through recipes (I've taken quite a few off the net) and discussed things. We have a food list, we're going grocery shopping tomorrow, and Sunday we're going to start.
I'm excited! I'll be fun, I think. We're going to make Almond milk and Smoothies and big old salads and Nori Rolls, and experiment with Wild Rice, and everything. Huzzah for experimental diets.
We watched subUrbia last night. The box said it was "fearsome funny" or something like that. But it wasn't. It was actually really sad. It showed really well the pits of doom that suburbs are, and how kids grow up fucked up and alone and without drive. Really effective. And depressing. NOT the kind of movie I was up for.
Tonight we go to a coworker's house for dinner. She told me she's making salmon. MMMMMmmmMMMMMMMmmMMMMM Salmon. We're going to bring spinach salad. She says she and the kids don't eat vegetables, but they like spinach salad because of the eggs and bacon and creamy dressing. I won't tell her it's low fat.
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-30 11:32 am (UTC)But if those same people called to say their house was on fire, you'd go help them, most likely...eh?
no subject
Date: 2003-05-30 04:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-31 09:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-30 04:41 pm (UTC)I also meant to comment on your camping trip but I have been so extraordinarily busy that I haven't been back to say anything. It sounded trecherous! It was an experience you won't forget, though :)
Actually
Date: 2003-05-30 09:40 pm (UTC)I'm expecting to pick up the package tomorrow. Please forgive us for being so lazy. Well, we're packing our days pretty solidly so forgive us for letting some things slip. We're really excited to find out what it is!
Cam >B)
no subject
Date: 2003-05-31 05:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-31 09:03 am (UTC)um... I assume you meant "I think you're nice enough" or "I don't think you're not nice enough", right?
I hope you're having fun at the pharm, and with you're uber-cool job. :D
no subject
Date: 2003-05-31 10:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-31 12:19 pm (UTC)Which is just me being my brutally honest self, cuz I could have just said we can't afford it (which is true). :P
I miss you, though. :(