Long and involved (and angsty)
Sep. 19th, 2003 10:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightbluegirlI may not have time to write an entry. Yesterday I was gogogo all day. Today is better, but I'm only here until 3, and any minute my team lead is going to pull all us newbies aside for some tool training.
I go for my eye test today (but I didn't study!). I'm looking forward to it, primarily because it'll soon be over, and I'll be able to order new glasses. I'm trying to decide where to go: Do I go to Lenscrafters, because it's a big name? Do I go to the local (but still in a mall, just a smaller mall) folks, even if it costs more, to support them? Or do I go to the 3rd option, who tell me they have a 2 for 1 sale on until the end of the month (but do I really need 3 pairs of glasses?)
I'm so tempted to go to Lenscrafters. They had glasses I was happy with (I think), they were the cheapest (I really do have to be careful of my pocketbook), and actually, the other place was pretty cheap too. Unfortunately, the most expensive was the local folks. That kinda sucks.
I want to support local, but can't do it when they're half again as expensive. Is that so wrong? Have I totally sold out?
Well, THAT was yesterday, and I had to run.
I got my eyes tested last night! They are they same as ever, which is good, they're not changing. I ALSO ordered a new pair of glasses. They're the cutest plastic framed blue glasses. Sort of a darker blue. Sort of square with the intimation of the cats eye shape, but not really.
They're SO CUTE!
I had to fight for them though. Not one, but TWO of the people working there said they were two big for my nose (but not my face) and that they'd slide down my nose and that I shouldn't get them.
So I bounced up and down in the store, right there. HEh. And shook my head a lot. And they DIDN'T MOVE. (The glasses, not the employees. They seemed kind of shocked)
So I ordered them. Because dammit, I want to be CUTE, and I have a crappy haircut (well, it was a well done cut, but it looks crappy, and with the careful clothes I'm wearing for work, I have no.style.what.so.ever.). Andrew and I are going to go thrift store shopping... sometime. I'm not sure when, and maybe I'll get some good clothes then, too.
And I'm tired of people telling me I can't do what I want for some stupid reason.
So I'm very bouncy about them, they're so CUTE! (and I bought from another local guy, whos prices were competitive, and my glasses were less than I expected, so even if they were slightly more than lenscrafters might have charged, I feel good about it)
Plus I lost another pound this week. I still have 19 to go to the goal. If I keep doing like this, I might lose 5 more before my trip to Ontario! That wouldn't suck at ALL.
I'm trying to remain positive and keep thinking that it's ok, I'm ok, I'm NOT losing weight too fast, it's NOT a fluke, I CAN keep doing this. Bad brain, bad!
I go for my eye test today (but I didn't study!). I'm looking forward to it, primarily because it'll soon be over, and I'll be able to order new glasses. I'm trying to decide where to go: Do I go to Lenscrafters, because it's a big name? Do I go to the local (but still in a mall, just a smaller mall) folks, even if it costs more, to support them? Or do I go to the 3rd option, who tell me they have a 2 for 1 sale on until the end of the month (but do I really need 3 pairs of glasses?)
I'm so tempted to go to Lenscrafters. They had glasses I was happy with (I think), they were the cheapest (I really do have to be careful of my pocketbook), and actually, the other place was pretty cheap too. Unfortunately, the most expensive was the local folks. That kinda sucks.
I want to support local, but can't do it when they're half again as expensive. Is that so wrong? Have I totally sold out?
Well, THAT was yesterday, and I had to run.
I got my eyes tested last night! They are they same as ever, which is good, they're not changing. I ALSO ordered a new pair of glasses. They're the cutest plastic framed blue glasses. Sort of a darker blue. Sort of square with the intimation of the cats eye shape, but not really.
They're SO CUTE!
I had to fight for them though. Not one, but TWO of the people working there said they were two big for my nose (but not my face) and that they'd slide down my nose and that I shouldn't get them.
So I bounced up and down in the store, right there. HEh. And shook my head a lot. And they DIDN'T MOVE. (The glasses, not the employees. They seemed kind of shocked)
So I ordered them. Because dammit, I want to be CUTE, and I have a crappy haircut (well, it was a well done cut, but it looks crappy, and with the careful clothes I'm wearing for work, I have no.style.what.so.ever.). Andrew and I are going to go thrift store shopping... sometime. I'm not sure when, and maybe I'll get some good clothes then, too.
And I'm tired of people telling me I can't do what I want for some stupid reason.
So I'm very bouncy about them, they're so CUTE! (and I bought from another local guy, whos prices were competitive, and my glasses were less than I expected, so even if they were slightly more than lenscrafters might have charged, I feel good about it)
Plus I lost another pound this week. I still have 19 to go to the goal. If I keep doing like this, I might lose 5 more before my trip to Ontario! That wouldn't suck at ALL.
I'm trying to remain positive and keep thinking that it's ok, I'm ok, I'm NOT losing weight too fast, it's NOT a fluke, I CAN keep doing this. Bad brain, bad!
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I may not have time to write an entry. Yesterday I was gogogo all day. Today is better, but I'm only here until 3, and any minute my team lead is going to pull all us newbies aside for some tool training.
I go for my eye test today (but I didn't study!). I'm looking forward to it, primarily because it'll soon be over, and I'll be able to order new glasses. I'm trying to decide where to go: Do I go to Lenscrafters, because it's a big name? Do I go to the local (but still in a mall, just a smaller mall) folks, even if it costs more, to support them? Or do I go to the 3rd option, who tell me they have a 2 for 1 sale on until the end of the month (but do I really need 3 pairs of glasses?)
I'm so tempted to go to Lenscrafters. They had glasses I was happy with (I think), they were the cheapest (I really do have to be careful of my pocketbook), and actually, the other place was pretty cheap too. Unfortunately, the most expensive was the local folks. That kinda sucks.
I want to support local, but can't do it when they're half again as expensive. Is that so wrong? Have I totally sold out?
<hr width="5%">
Well, THAT was yesterday, and I had to run.
I got my eyes tested last night! They are they same as ever, which is good, they're not changing. I ALSO ordered a new pair of glasses. They're the cutest plastic framed blue glasses. Sort of a darker blue. Sort of square with the intimation of the cats eye shape, but not really.
They're SO CUTE!
I had to fight for them though. Not one, but TWO of the people working there said they were two big for my nose (but not my face) and that they'd slide down my nose and that I shouldn't get them.
So I bounced up and down in the store, right there. HEh. And shook my head a lot. And they DIDN'T MOVE. (The glasses, not the employees. They seemed kind of shocked)
So I ordered them. Because dammit, I want to be CUTE, and I have a crappy haircut (well, it was a well done cut, but it looks crappy, and with the careful clothes I'm wearing for work, I have no.style.what.so.ever.). Andrew and I are going to go thrift store shopping... sometime. I'm not sure when, and maybe I'll get some good clothes then, too.
And I'm tired of people telling me I can't do what I want for some stupid reason.
So I'm very bouncy about them, they're so CUTE! (and I bought from another local guy, whos prices were competitive, and my glasses were less than I expected, so even if they were slightly more than lenscrafters might have charged, I feel good about it)
Plus I lost another pound this week. I still have 19 to go to the goal. If I keep doing like this, I might lose 5 more before my trip to Ontario! That wouldn't suck at ALL.
I'm trying to remain positive and keep thinking that it's ok, I'm ok, I'm NOT losing weight too fast, it's NOT a fluke, I CAN keep doing this. Bad brain, bad!
<hr width="5"">
In other news, I have bad posture. The chiropractor found that my soaz (I have no idea if that's spelled correctly) muscles are EXTREMELY tight, like, touch and cry tight, and he said I don't tilt my pelvis correctly. So I'm kind of bummed because I have been working so hard for so long on fixing up my body, but I've been sabotaging myself and I should have KNOWN better. It pisses me off.
Everything is a process, I know that. But I've even been doing soaz stretches. Incorrectly.
Dammit.
DAMNIT.
DAMMNNNNNNIT.
*sigh*
<hr width="5%">
But it's the weekend. Almost. It'll be a good weekend. We're going to go wander around Stanley Park, and enjoy the Sea wall and just... be. And we're going to find this restaurant called the Naam, a 24 hour vegetarian cafe type place (the best kind, the hippie kind), and we're going to have FUN, dammit.
I love fall. I love the change of colours, and the smell of dying leaves. I love it all. And every time I walk past a slight change of colours, I think to myself "I don't want to miss this again."
I want to go for walks all the time, and smell the leaves. I want to hike over uneven ground and hear the birds call out when I pass, and see the wind move the leaves.
One year, I was the goddess of autumn for halloween. I had a dress with a pattern of leaves all over it (and it was gold and red and orange), and I bought a big piece of gold fabric, and went out and picked up bunches and bunches of coloured leaves, and I glued them onto the fabric - heavy on the bottom, lighter as it went up the fabric. It was a cape. And I made a coronet of leaves, too. That with a liberal application of gold sparkles, and I was the goddess of fall.
I. Love. Autumn.
<hr width="5%">
I want to talk more about my concerns about selling out, and appearance, and all those things. I don't know where to start, it's all jumbled up.
I was talking to Andrew about it earlier in the week. The thing is that we ALL judge based on appearance. Even punk rock kids who say appearance is irrelevant. They say it, but very rarely mean it. How many punk kids do you see hanging out with preppy kids? Or saying hey to business men? I have friends from every venue. Conservative, anarchist, punk, hippie, straight laced, geek, goth, whatever. And I like it that way.
But I see a bunch of kids who are more hard core than thou, or a bunch of kids who are too busy saying their pain is unique to get the fact that we all have pain, or whatever, and I JUDGE. I make a decision about who they are, and put them in a box of classification. I don't necessarily write them off - I still believe that each person is unique, and each person has something good to offer - but I *have* put them somewhere.
And not only that, but I equate my clothing changes with my reality changes. I evolved into a brightly coloured punk rock emo tattooed industrial left thinking open minded woman over time, and I associate myself as those things all together.
So on the days I'm wearing jeans and running shoes and plain fitted long sleeved shirts, with blonde no-style hair, I feel like I'm letting myself down. And not only that, I fear that a turn to the right will happen as well. I fear that the clothes really do make the woman, and that I'm going to end up as what I dislike.
I'm also afraid that people will think I've finished my phase, and that I'm going to get the "oh, I'm so glad you've come back from the dark side" bullshit from my mother or grandparents or whatever, and dammnit, I'm not ashamed of my tattoos, I still love them. (In fact, I already have an appointment with my tattoo guy for the Friday I'm in Toronto) If I thought I could keep this job with blue hair, it WOULD be blue, I LOVE being those things.
It's true, it's most brave to be yourself.
And who am I right now?
I'm a woman who's working at a job that she does well, trying even harder to do it well so she can make enough money to support herself and her man, and pay off her debt so life is easier and her goals become close enough to touch. I'm also a woman who is losing weight, again to accomplish goals.
I'm a goal oriented, willful, prideful, strong, intelligent, second guessing, left-wing woman who is damn proud of herself, dammnit.
And intelligent enough to know that what I look like, although unimportant in the grand scheme of things, is important at this time, to accomplish this set of goals. That to succeed in this set of tasks, I need to be a chameleon.
I can do that.
Right?
I go for my eye test today (but I didn't study!). I'm looking forward to it, primarily because it'll soon be over, and I'll be able to order new glasses. I'm trying to decide where to go: Do I go to Lenscrafters, because it's a big name? Do I go to the local (but still in a mall, just a smaller mall) folks, even if it costs more, to support them? Or do I go to the 3rd option, who tell me they have a 2 for 1 sale on until the end of the month (but do I really need 3 pairs of glasses?)
I'm so tempted to go to Lenscrafters. They had glasses I was happy with (I think), they were the cheapest (I really do have to be careful of my pocketbook), and actually, the other place was pretty cheap too. Unfortunately, the most expensive was the local folks. That kinda sucks.
I want to support local, but can't do it when they're half again as expensive. Is that so wrong? Have I totally sold out?
<hr width="5%">
Well, THAT was yesterday, and I had to run.
I got my eyes tested last night! They are they same as ever, which is good, they're not changing. I ALSO ordered a new pair of glasses. They're the cutest plastic framed blue glasses. Sort of a darker blue. Sort of square with the intimation of the cats eye shape, but not really.
They're SO CUTE!
I had to fight for them though. Not one, but TWO of the people working there said they were two big for my nose (but not my face) and that they'd slide down my nose and that I shouldn't get them.
So I bounced up and down in the store, right there. HEh. And shook my head a lot. And they DIDN'T MOVE. (The glasses, not the employees. They seemed kind of shocked)
So I ordered them. Because dammit, I want to be CUTE, and I have a crappy haircut (well, it was a well done cut, but it looks crappy, and with the careful clothes I'm wearing for work, I have no.style.what.so.ever.). Andrew and I are going to go thrift store shopping... sometime. I'm not sure when, and maybe I'll get some good clothes then, too.
And I'm tired of people telling me I can't do what I want for some stupid reason.
So I'm very bouncy about them, they're so CUTE! (and I bought from another local guy, whos prices were competitive, and my glasses were less than I expected, so even if they were slightly more than lenscrafters might have charged, I feel good about it)
Plus I lost another pound this week. I still have 19 to go to the goal. If I keep doing like this, I might lose 5 more before my trip to Ontario! That wouldn't suck at ALL.
I'm trying to remain positive and keep thinking that it's ok, I'm ok, I'm NOT losing weight too fast, it's NOT a fluke, I CAN keep doing this. Bad brain, bad!
<hr width="5"">
In other news, I have bad posture. The chiropractor found that my soaz (I have no idea if that's spelled correctly) muscles are EXTREMELY tight, like, touch and cry tight, and he said I don't tilt my pelvis correctly. So I'm kind of bummed because I have been working so hard for so long on fixing up my body, but I've been sabotaging myself and I should have KNOWN better. It pisses me off.
Everything is a process, I know that. But I've even been doing soaz stretches. Incorrectly.
Dammit.
DAMNIT.
DAMMNNNNNNIT.
*sigh*
<hr width="5%">
But it's the weekend. Almost. It'll be a good weekend. We're going to go wander around Stanley Park, and enjoy the Sea wall and just... be. And we're going to find this restaurant called the Naam, a 24 hour vegetarian cafe type place (the best kind, the hippie kind), and we're going to have FUN, dammit.
I love fall. I love the change of colours, and the smell of dying leaves. I love it all. And every time I walk past a slight change of colours, I think to myself "I don't want to miss this again."
I want to go for walks all the time, and smell the leaves. I want to hike over uneven ground and hear the birds call out when I pass, and see the wind move the leaves.
One year, I was the goddess of autumn for halloween. I had a dress with a pattern of leaves all over it (and it was gold and red and orange), and I bought a big piece of gold fabric, and went out and picked up bunches and bunches of coloured leaves, and I glued them onto the fabric - heavy on the bottom, lighter as it went up the fabric. It was a cape. And I made a coronet of leaves, too. That with a liberal application of gold sparkles, and I was the goddess of fall.
I. Love. Autumn.
<hr width="5%">
I want to talk more about my concerns about selling out, and appearance, and all those things. I don't know where to start, it's all jumbled up.
I was talking to Andrew about it earlier in the week. The thing is that we ALL judge based on appearance. Even punk rock kids who say appearance is irrelevant. They say it, but very rarely mean it. How many punk kids do you see hanging out with preppy kids? Or saying hey to business men? I have friends from every venue. Conservative, anarchist, punk, hippie, straight laced, geek, goth, whatever. And I like it that way.
But I see a bunch of kids who are more hard core than thou, or a bunch of kids who are too busy saying their pain is unique to get the fact that we all have pain, or whatever, and I JUDGE. I make a decision about who they are, and put them in a box of classification. I don't necessarily write them off - I still believe that each person is unique, and each person has something good to offer - but I *have* put them somewhere.
And not only that, but I equate my clothing changes with my reality changes. I evolved into a brightly coloured punk rock emo tattooed industrial left thinking open minded woman over time, and I associate myself as those things all together.
So on the days I'm wearing jeans and running shoes and plain fitted long sleeved shirts, with blonde no-style hair, I feel like I'm letting myself down. And not only that, I fear that a turn to the right will happen as well. I fear that the clothes really do make the woman, and that I'm going to end up as what I dislike.
I'm also afraid that people will think I've finished my phase, and that I'm going to get the "oh, I'm so glad you've come back from the dark side" bullshit from my mother or grandparents or whatever, and dammnit, I'm not ashamed of my tattoos, I still love them. (In fact, I already have an appointment with my tattoo guy for the Friday I'm in Toronto) If I thought I could keep this job with blue hair, it WOULD be blue, I LOVE being those things.
It's true, it's most brave to be yourself.
And who am I right now?
I'm a woman who's working at a job that she does well, trying even harder to do it well so she can make enough money to support herself and her man, and pay off her debt so life is easier and her goals become close enough to touch. I'm also a woman who is losing weight, again to accomplish goals.
I'm a goal oriented, willful, prideful, strong, intelligent, second guessing, left-wing woman who is damn proud of herself, dammnit.
And intelligent enough to know that what I look like, although unimportant in the grand scheme of things, is important at this time, to accomplish this set of goals. That to succeed in this set of tasks, I need to be a chameleon.
I can do that.
Right?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-09-19 10:41 am (UTC)A-fucking-MEN :)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-19 12:33 pm (UTC)(say it aint so)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-19 12:52 pm (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-19 12:42 pm (UTC)While clothing may make some statement about who I am, it's certainly not definative.
Damn skippy.
Date: 2003-09-19 05:28 pm (UTC)Your clothing does not define you, and it won't change you over time. You're doing what you need to do to adapt - you chameleon, you - but you're not selling yourself out.
You CAN succeed in your set of tasks, and you WILL, because you want to, and because you're set to.
Everyone judges, and while many categorize and leave it at that, and others do what you do, and leave their minds more open. . . Everyone categorizes. It can't (really) be helped, since appearance IS a big part of *first* impressions. It's the impression we make afterward (are you intelligent? can you hold a conversation? are you interesting?) that counts more in the long run. Despite the look of the more conservative type, you're not that conservative person you (might) look to be. And that's what counts.
On another note . . . The costume sounds awesome, the neighborhood sounds great, and I love the way you showed the people at the glasses place that the glasses you chose really were good for you.
You really are awesome, ya know. ~ Youmna