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brightbluegirlMy head hurts just a little. I'm not sure why - I slept well last night, for the most part, I napped yesterday, I ate well yesterday, I worked out last night... huh.
I have been snacking on chocolate, though. (Could the sugar be doing this? Probably.) I'm not going to have any more.
I made cabbage rolls differently than my mother's recipe for the first time ever, last night. She makes them with rice in the middle (so basically, no protein at all), and using 4-5 tablespoons of oil.
I didn't put any oil in them, and I used a mixture of lentils and rice and onions. And they're GOOD.
I also used a purple cabbage instead of green. They look really cool.
I haven't been eating properly since Andrew left. When I eat, I eat healthy, but I've been pushing the envelope, going far too long between meals. I tend to start making meals once I start shaking.
Which makes it a little harder to make the meals.
It was just on the weekend, though. I made a good lunch for today (cucumber, tomato, and feta salad, leftover homemade pizza (goat chevre, spinach, and sundried tomato, very low cal), and of course, cabbage rolls.), and I promised myself I'll be good tonight. No dipping blood sugar, no sir.
There's a salad I want to make, with grilled tofu in a sesame ginger sauce. Yum!
My weekend got better. Andrew called both Saturday night and last night, and we chatted. I slept a lot, ALMOST got caught up on my phone calls (SHANNON, I was going to call you, but I lost your card, and I keep forgetting to ask Andrew if he has it), and relaxed.
Still no problems with my new glasses. I think we have a winner!
I even re-did our budget. Score!
On Sunday I went out to get the finishing touches for a care package I want to send to D. I love giving presents, and I *ALWAYS* go over my budget when buying them.
That's why I make my presents, when I have the time - I spend so much less, and people still feel cared about.
So anyway. Here I am, no Andrew to keep me in check, and my American Express card just BURNING a hole in my pocket, so what do i do?
I absolutely go hogwild and buy a mound o stuff. And none of it was for me! The thing is, I kept thinking "but the perfect gift would also have some of this", so I'd pick up one or two of items x or y.
I felt really guilty, but I confessed to Andrew over the phone, and he absolved me. I just had to say 4 Hail Marys and I was saved. :P
So now all I have to do is find a box, put everything IN the box, and send it off. I think it's worth it. I *really* want the box to put a smile on her face. Well, not the BOX, but what's inside it.
We all need people to put smiles on our faces, but I don't think D has *enough* people who think to do that for her.
Anyway.
I found out today that I've been put in charge of my own little section of the new project. I'm the "QA Responsible".
This is important for 2 reasons: 1) I'm the ONLY new person who's been given that responsibility in 1.5 and 2) It doesn't start until Feb 11, 2004.
Yes, that's right, Feb 11, 2004. And yes, my contract is up in the end of January. So yes, I think I'll be renewed.
Sweet.
It's a small part of the project, not like some of the larger parts I'll be working on before that, but it's still a "QA responsible".
It's nice when skill and experience gets noticed.
I was talking to someone the other day about choices.
I was trying to explain why I have less pity for smokers who say "oh, I try to quit, but I can't" than I do for, say, crack addicts who can't quit.
With a drug like crack, or heroin, or coke, it really fucks you in the head, you know? Alcohol, too. It screws you up.
I spent some time drinking more than I needed to. And even when you're sober, your brain doesn't work the way it does when you've been straight for awhile. I mean, it really fucks your mental processes up. That's what most drugs do.
Nicotine doesn't, though. Nor caffiene. Yes, I know they do affect the body and brain physically, but they don't actually alter mental processes, as far as you and I can tell.
And as adults (particularly adults in North America, where we are extremely lucky to be as well off as we are now), we make CHOICES. It's part of what adults get to do.
I've ranted about this before, maybe not in this journal, but I have. About less black and white scenarios. But in this particular case...
You make a choice to take a cigarette, light it, and smoke it.
Every cigarette is that choice. And at any time, you can make the choice to stop.
I'm not saying it's SIMPLE, of course there are cravings and nicorette and withdrawal and missing the social aspect and all the rest of it. Those are hard. But if you've got that decision made, then it's easier. Because then you do what you've got to do to get rid of the physical addiction, to move past the troubled first couple of months. Maybe you need to tell everyone in sight "I've quit. I don't smoke" or maybe you need to see no-one and not leave the house for 2 weeks, or longer. Or maybe you need to find a cigarette replacement. Or maybe you need to discover other tools to use to facilitate your choice.
And with caffiene, too. When I was 13 I watched my mother dissolve into tears because she hadn't had coffee in 2 days.
And with eating. This is what started me thinking about choices, and started me on this rant. Every day is a choice.
It's not so easy with eating, because you can't just think "I've decided that food is not an option" and create that brick wall of will that needs to be stepped around to go back on your word (that's how I envision it in my head, when I decide to change behaviour - I create a wall of "I don't do that" or "I do that"), because we have to eat to survive.
(To tie back to what I was saying about the harder drugs - when a person is that fucked up, and doesn't know how to quit, can't fathom it, can't do it, can't even THINK of quitting... well, that's a different kind of hard. I mean, I feel more pity for that person. I get it. Their brains aren't functioning optimally.)
It's hard. And this past week, every time I break my diet, I've been thinking "I chose that. I chose to break my diet. I chose to not have a successful week this week. I chose to take just that little bit longer to get to my goal. I chose that."
I don't know if it's going to help, but I hope so.
Because, of course, as much as we make our choices, as much as we are responsible for what we choose to do, it sure as hell is easier with support, with love, and with back-up (be it research, things we tell ourselves, or people who are there with a shoulder to lean on).
I wonder if this makes any sense. I'm pretty adamant about it, about the fact that we have choices. I mean, we don't choose to be sick, or well. We don't choose to get laid off, we don't choose to have good or poor eyesight, we don't choose so many things. But when a person complains to me "oh, my job sucks" my first thought is "So DO something about it - look for another job, or work within your job to make it better, or re-evaluate what your priorities are right now, or SOMETHING - at least come to grips that it's YOUR choice" (Which of course isn't saying that those who have looked and have tried and can't find anything, but MUST work to support their children or their partner or themselves are ignoring their choices - they're making the best choices they can in their situation, and I am NOT talking about them, I am not invalidating them or their choices)
I have been snacking on chocolate, though. (Could the sugar be doing this? Probably.) I'm not going to have any more.
I made cabbage rolls differently than my mother's recipe for the first time ever, last night. She makes them with rice in the middle (so basically, no protein at all), and using 4-5 tablespoons of oil.
I didn't put any oil in them, and I used a mixture of lentils and rice and onions. And they're GOOD.
I also used a purple cabbage instead of green. They look really cool.
I haven't been eating properly since Andrew left. When I eat, I eat healthy, but I've been pushing the envelope, going far too long between meals. I tend to start making meals once I start shaking.
Which makes it a little harder to make the meals.
It was just on the weekend, though. I made a good lunch for today (cucumber, tomato, and feta salad, leftover homemade pizza (goat chevre, spinach, and sundried tomato, very low cal), and of course, cabbage rolls.), and I promised myself I'll be good tonight. No dipping blood sugar, no sir.
There's a salad I want to make, with grilled tofu in a sesame ginger sauce. Yum!
My weekend got better. Andrew called both Saturday night and last night, and we chatted. I slept a lot, ALMOST got caught up on my phone calls (SHANNON, I was going to call you, but I lost your card, and I keep forgetting to ask Andrew if he has it), and relaxed.
Still no problems with my new glasses. I think we have a winner!
I even re-did our budget. Score!
On Sunday I went out to get the finishing touches for a care package I want to send to D. I love giving presents, and I *ALWAYS* go over my budget when buying them.
That's why I make my presents, when I have the time - I spend so much less, and people still feel cared about.
So anyway. Here I am, no Andrew to keep me in check, and my American Express card just BURNING a hole in my pocket, so what do i do?
I absolutely go hogwild and buy a mound o stuff. And none of it was for me! The thing is, I kept thinking "but the perfect gift would also have some of this", so I'd pick up one or two of items x or y.
I felt really guilty, but I confessed to Andrew over the phone, and he absolved me. I just had to say 4 Hail Marys and I was saved. :P
So now all I have to do is find a box, put everything IN the box, and send it off. I think it's worth it. I *really* want the box to put a smile on her face. Well, not the BOX, but what's inside it.
We all need people to put smiles on our faces, but I don't think D has *enough* people who think to do that for her.
Anyway.
I found out today that I've been put in charge of my own little section of the new project. I'm the "QA Responsible".
This is important for 2 reasons: 1) I'm the ONLY new person who's been given that responsibility in 1.5 and 2) It doesn't start until Feb 11, 2004.
Yes, that's right, Feb 11, 2004. And yes, my contract is up in the end of January. So yes, I think I'll be renewed.
Sweet.
It's a small part of the project, not like some of the larger parts I'll be working on before that, but it's still a "QA responsible".
It's nice when skill and experience gets noticed.
I was talking to someone the other day about choices.
I was trying to explain why I have less pity for smokers who say "oh, I try to quit, but I can't" than I do for, say, crack addicts who can't quit.
With a drug like crack, or heroin, or coke, it really fucks you in the head, you know? Alcohol, too. It screws you up.
I spent some time drinking more than I needed to. And even when you're sober, your brain doesn't work the way it does when you've been straight for awhile. I mean, it really fucks your mental processes up. That's what most drugs do.
Nicotine doesn't, though. Nor caffiene. Yes, I know they do affect the body and brain physically, but they don't actually alter mental processes, as far as you and I can tell.
And as adults (particularly adults in North America, where we are extremely lucky to be as well off as we are now), we make CHOICES. It's part of what adults get to do.
I've ranted about this before, maybe not in this journal, but I have. About less black and white scenarios. But in this particular case...
You make a choice to take a cigarette, light it, and smoke it.
Every cigarette is that choice. And at any time, you can make the choice to stop.
I'm not saying it's SIMPLE, of course there are cravings and nicorette and withdrawal and missing the social aspect and all the rest of it. Those are hard. But if you've got that decision made, then it's easier. Because then you do what you've got to do to get rid of the physical addiction, to move past the troubled first couple of months. Maybe you need to tell everyone in sight "I've quit. I don't smoke" or maybe you need to see no-one and not leave the house for 2 weeks, or longer. Or maybe you need to find a cigarette replacement. Or maybe you need to discover other tools to use to facilitate your choice.
And with caffiene, too. When I was 13 I watched my mother dissolve into tears because she hadn't had coffee in 2 days.
And with eating. This is what started me thinking about choices, and started me on this rant. Every day is a choice.
It's not so easy with eating, because you can't just think "I've decided that food is not an option" and create that brick wall of will that needs to be stepped around to go back on your word (that's how I envision it in my head, when I decide to change behaviour - I create a wall of "I don't do that" or "I do that"), because we have to eat to survive.
(To tie back to what I was saying about the harder drugs - when a person is that fucked up, and doesn't know how to quit, can't fathom it, can't do it, can't even THINK of quitting... well, that's a different kind of hard. I mean, I feel more pity for that person. I get it. Their brains aren't functioning optimally.)
It's hard. And this past week, every time I break my diet, I've been thinking "I chose that. I chose to break my diet. I chose to not have a successful week this week. I chose to take just that little bit longer to get to my goal. I chose that."
I don't know if it's going to help, but I hope so.
Because, of course, as much as we make our choices, as much as we are responsible for what we choose to do, it sure as hell is easier with support, with love, and with back-up (be it research, things we tell ourselves, or people who are there with a shoulder to lean on).
I wonder if this makes any sense. I'm pretty adamant about it, about the fact that we have choices. I mean, we don't choose to be sick, or well. We don't choose to get laid off, we don't choose to have good or poor eyesight, we don't choose so many things. But when a person complains to me "oh, my job sucks" my first thought is "So DO something about it - look for another job, or work within your job to make it better, or re-evaluate what your priorities are right now, or SOMETHING - at least come to grips that it's YOUR choice" (Which of course isn't saying that those who have looked and have tried and can't find anything, but MUST work to support their children or their partner or themselves are ignoring their choices - they're making the best choices they can in their situation, and I am NOT talking about them, I am not invalidating them or their choices)
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-06 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-06 04:29 pm (UTC)And I hope your knee is getting better!
no subject
Date: 2003-10-06 04:34 pm (UTC)I suppose alcohol does something like that, too, but it's more recognized.
Greg Egan said that the judgement-warping quality of caffeine (and speed, presumably) explains a lot about the Twentieth Century.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-06 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-06 05:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-07 09:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-07 06:24 am (UTC)another thing that made me happy today: you know that there are cinemas doing "sing along" movies? like west side story, or sound of music? well, my cousin thinks there should be one of the south park movie. i almost fell off my chair laughing.
but your thoughts make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and that's wunnerful. when are you in toronto again? maybe i'll find a way to sneak on down for a face to face...
as for the addiction thang: quitting smoking was hard, but i did it once i acknowledged
1. that it was going to speed up my death
2. that there's a lot i want to do with my life that an early death would interfere with, like, say, seeing grandchildren, or colonization off of earth.
once that was done, i made the choice not to smoke, and quit cold turkey.
it's a lot harder to do with food, although the realities of my diabetes, cholesterol, and blood pressure are starting to impinge upon my consciousness. if i don't lose weight and maintain a healthy blood sugar, lower my blood pressure and bad cholesterols, i'll die earlier than if i were a smoker. and it's more important to me to live to see those grandchildren than to eat that last tart and cookie that's been sitting on the counter for three days.
so now, i choose to live, i choose to take control of my eating habits. heck, i'm choosing to go for a walk down to the front of the pharm with the dogs.
bye!
thanks for the thoughts, and the inspiration!
i have to choose to live.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-07 06:25 am (UTC)I'm not saying I don't make the choice - I totally, 100% agree with you that it's a choice. I don't bitch about smoking because I know there is something I can do about it. My current choice is to keep smoking.
I don't bitch about being fat because I know there is something I can do about it.
I don't bitch about anything that I know I can do something about, and I can't stand those who do. I'm totally with you on that as well.