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brightbluegirlI believe that my mother says I am a bully because I have drawn up boundaries and expect her to respect them, and she doesn't, and then I call her on it. I know that if I called her and said "no matter what I say to him, Andrew won't respect my wishes about how to treat me", she would say "that's horrible! Bad Andrew! BAD BAD, get rid of him!" but she has a god-complex, and doesn't think she does ANYTHING wrong, has no faults, and never takes responsibility for how her actions affect other people, and never apologizes, (Matt even asked her if she thought my breakdown was 100% my fault, and she looked at him as if he was crazy, and let him know in no uncertain terms that I am the problem and she did nothing wrong), so she will never see that what she is doing is just as wrong as that hypothetical situation.
And now I have to wait until she decides to bring it up, and then deal with it, but I still don't know what to say, and it's causing me problems with sleeping, eating (I STUFFED food into myself yesterday and the day before), and concentrating on work. I'm trying so hard though, to relax and know that whatever happens, happens, and that I'm trying to break this horrible cycle my mother has placed our family in, and that it isn't my fault - that is, there were times I could have reacted better to her, but I have to recognize that her cycle has been around longer than I have, and she has been playing her children against each other for longer than we realized it, and has had a god complex for a super long time, and I refuse to be cowed by her, and THAT is why she says I'm a bully. Because I'm not a yes man.
It was ugly.
And the thing that pisses me off is that EVERY DAY AND NIGHT, when Matt got upset at something she did, I defended her, when she wasn't there. I didn't just diss her. I counselled understanding and compassion, and I defended her actions and de-escalated things SO much. Matt even mentioned that to me, and said I was the better person. But she doesn't know that, and she has decided that I'm the bad child again, and Matt is the good child. I hate that cycle. Matt said "this is bad, this is really bad", on the phone. And it is. But dammit, I don't think I'm strong enough to cut her out of my life again. I have had much better emotional health since inviting her back in. Granted, I've grown, but...
And now I have to wait until she decides to bring it up, and then deal with it, but I still don't know what to say, and it's causing me problems with sleeping, eating (I STUFFED food into myself yesterday and the day before), and concentrating on work. I'm trying so hard though, to relax and know that whatever happens, happens, and that I'm trying to break this horrible cycle my mother has placed our family in, and that it isn't my fault - that is, there were times I could have reacted better to her, but I have to recognize that her cycle has been around longer than I have, and she has been playing her children against each other for longer than we realized it, and has had a god complex for a super long time, and I refuse to be cowed by her, and THAT is why she says I'm a bully. Because I'm not a yes man.
It was ugly.
And the thing that pisses me off is that EVERY DAY AND NIGHT, when Matt got upset at something she did, I defended her, when she wasn't there. I didn't just diss her. I counselled understanding and compassion, and I defended her actions and de-escalated things SO much. Matt even mentioned that to me, and said I was the better person. But she doesn't know that, and she has decided that I'm the bad child again, and Matt is the good child. I hate that cycle. Matt said "this is bad, this is really bad", on the phone. And it is. But dammit, I don't think I'm strong enough to cut her out of my life again. I have had much better emotional health since inviting her back in. Granted, I've grown, but...
