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brightbluegirlAll right, things are going ok.
I lost another pound, always a bonus, I now have only 14 lbs to get to my goal. Considering I thought for SURE I gained weight on the weekend, with all the pasta and cookies I ate, and then there was that pesky stress...
Well, stranger things have happened. Happy day!
I appear to have a shin splint. I'm going to take today off doing cardio. Isn't that so very interesting? Aren't you thrilled that I shared that with you?
I sent a final draft of the email to my mom last night. I got a response this morning, just a short one, thanking me for my thoughtful and detailed email, and saying that she's very busy with work, but that I am also important to her, and that she appreciates the communication.
Much better than I expected. However, we'll see what her actual response is. But I'm glad that it was received this well at least, because now we can move forward. Perhaps she really isn't crazy, even though everyone says so. Maybe she's just really unenlightened.
I dunno. We'll see. I don't trust right now, I'm just trying to keep myself safe. (I hope, though) But stress level = much lower.
I've had lots of deep realizations about my growing up, about abuse, and about why I chose to stay with someone who treated me poorly for so long, before. It has to do with being comfortable. I don't think it's a coincidence that I started spending more time with he-who-shall-remain-unnamed (for the sake of our mutual friends, who I adore and don't want to make uncomfortable) when I broke off contact with my mother.
It has to do with being comfortable. It's so easy to surround yourself with circumstances and people and behaviours that you're used to, even when they are negative, just because that's what you know. It is somehow more comfortable, because it's a known evil compared to an unknown, I guess. You sort of know what to expect, and how you are expected to act and react, and that's easier.
It's almost an emotional laziness.
This woman who's blog I read wrote a section about abusive men. I won't recreate it here, but it mirrored EXACTLY the experience I had with that guy. And what is even sadder, is that it also mirrors my experience with my mother.
This time, I've changed the cycle in that I didn't give her the screaming fight I expected. I still got extremely hurt, and extremely upset, and I still made large statements and still had to write a vengeful email (the one I never sent). But I didn't go through with any of the badness. Hopefully next time (because there *will* be a next time), I won't get upset, won't need to vent, won't take it personally, and can just say whatever needs to be said to calm her down and move on.
There's still the chance of leaving, I understand that, I haven't completely turned away from the pain I have felt all week, nor from the frustration of knowing that I have gone through this sort of thing for my entire life, unable to do anything about it, being told how I feel or what I did or what I thought, being told what I witnessed her say and do didn't really happen, being told I'm wrong to feel bad when she hurts me, and of course, there's so much more. I haven't forgotten that I just went through 3 very difficult days (not to mention the actual weekend), because she created this reality.
I'm just trying to do what's best. That's what this entire journal is about, me constantly trying to grow into a person I admire, and a person I can look in the mirror and smile at.
I don't know if this is "best", but it's what I'm comfortable doing. I'm not comfortable fighting a war (even if I thought I would win it - there would be too much pain on both sides, I am NOT that sort of person), I'm not comfortable abandoning a relationship (as much juvenile short-term pleasure that I would get by walking away), I'm not comfortable ignoring things. I'm only comfortable with showing as much love and caring as I can possibly vomit up, and approaching this with all understanding and compassion I have - because hurtful or not, crazy or not, she's a thinkingbreathinglovingfeelingmovingexistingreal person, and she deserves my best for as long as I can give it, even if she doesn't always give me her best, or even if it takes me several days of deep breaths and rewrites to give it to her.
THAT is why I sent her that nice email, and THAT is why I will talk to her at length about this, when she's ready.
I wish people would do that sort of thing for me... but instead, I'll just treat other people that way, you know, do unto others, and etc., and try to be the sort of person that never hurts people so much that they need to confront me like that.
Of course, this has nothing to do with the past. We've all made mistakes in our past, that's fine. I mean, shit happens, it's all part of the growing process, you know? I'm just glad I still grow and love.
I lost another pound, always a bonus, I now have only 14 lbs to get to my goal. Considering I thought for SURE I gained weight on the weekend, with all the pasta and cookies I ate, and then there was that pesky stress...
Well, stranger things have happened. Happy day!
I appear to have a shin splint. I'm going to take today off doing cardio. Isn't that so very interesting? Aren't you thrilled that I shared that with you?
I sent a final draft of the email to my mom last night. I got a response this morning, just a short one, thanking me for my thoughtful and detailed email, and saying that she's very busy with work, but that I am also important to her, and that she appreciates the communication.
Much better than I expected. However, we'll see what her actual response is. But I'm glad that it was received this well at least, because now we can move forward. Perhaps she really isn't crazy, even though everyone says so. Maybe she's just really unenlightened.
I dunno. We'll see. I don't trust right now, I'm just trying to keep myself safe. (I hope, though) But stress level = much lower.
I've had lots of deep realizations about my growing up, about abuse, and about why I chose to stay with someone who treated me poorly for so long, before. It has to do with being comfortable. I don't think it's a coincidence that I started spending more time with he-who-shall-remain-unnamed (for the sake of our mutual friends, who I adore and don't want to make uncomfortable) when I broke off contact with my mother.
It has to do with being comfortable. It's so easy to surround yourself with circumstances and people and behaviours that you're used to, even when they are negative, just because that's what you know. It is somehow more comfortable, because it's a known evil compared to an unknown, I guess. You sort of know what to expect, and how you are expected to act and react, and that's easier.
It's almost an emotional laziness.
This woman who's blog I read wrote a section about abusive men. I won't recreate it here, but it mirrored EXACTLY the experience I had with that guy. And what is even sadder, is that it also mirrors my experience with my mother.
This time, I've changed the cycle in that I didn't give her the screaming fight I expected. I still got extremely hurt, and extremely upset, and I still made large statements and still had to write a vengeful email (the one I never sent). But I didn't go through with any of the badness. Hopefully next time (because there *will* be a next time), I won't get upset, won't need to vent, won't take it personally, and can just say whatever needs to be said to calm her down and move on.
There's still the chance of leaving, I understand that, I haven't completely turned away from the pain I have felt all week, nor from the frustration of knowing that I have gone through this sort of thing for my entire life, unable to do anything about it, being told how I feel or what I did or what I thought, being told what I witnessed her say and do didn't really happen, being told I'm wrong to feel bad when she hurts me, and of course, there's so much more. I haven't forgotten that I just went through 3 very difficult days (not to mention the actual weekend), because she created this reality.
I'm just trying to do what's best. That's what this entire journal is about, me constantly trying to grow into a person I admire, and a person I can look in the mirror and smile at.
I don't know if this is "best", but it's what I'm comfortable doing. I'm not comfortable fighting a war (even if I thought I would win it - there would be too much pain on both sides, I am NOT that sort of person), I'm not comfortable abandoning a relationship (as much juvenile short-term pleasure that I would get by walking away), I'm not comfortable ignoring things. I'm only comfortable with showing as much love and caring as I can possibly vomit up, and approaching this with all understanding and compassion I have - because hurtful or not, crazy or not, she's a thinkingbreathinglovingfeelingmovingexistingreal person, and she deserves my best for as long as I can give it, even if she doesn't always give me her best, or even if it takes me several days of deep breaths and rewrites to give it to her.
THAT is why I sent her that nice email, and THAT is why I will talk to her at length about this, when she's ready.
I wish people would do that sort of thing for me... but instead, I'll just treat other people that way, you know, do unto others, and etc., and try to be the sort of person that never hurts people so much that they need to confront me like that.
Of course, this has nothing to do with the past. We've all made mistakes in our past, that's fine. I mean, shit happens, it's all part of the growing process, you know? I'm just glad I still grow and love.
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-11 10:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-11 03:18 pm (UTC)I'm also smiling at you, but you can't see it.
*hugs you* ~ Youmna
He who shall remain nameless
Date: 2003-12-12 11:28 am (UTC)Anyway, I'm glad that your mom responded, even though it was short. I think that people typically avoid things that are uncomfortable so maybe she's respond positively in her longer response. And I think it's so amazing how you confront things that hard head-on.
Cam >B)
no subject
Date: 2003-12-13 10:48 pm (UTC)